This weekend I was scheduled to work at the nursing home. Although I wasn't too excited about waking up at 5:30 in the morning and working 9 hour shifts, I was excited to see the residents who have become some of my favorite people on earth. And today I was able to participate in Sunday worship with them.
That is an experience all its own and I loved every part of it. As part of the daily routine, we got everyone dressed, ate breakfast and then set up for Sacrament meeting. It was so cute to see the men dressed up in their Sunday best, their hair combed to the side. One of my favorite guys (who also happens to remind me of the guy from the movie "UP") wore a three piece suit and a bow tie! It was adorable. It just made me so happy to see the residents do what they could to make Sunday a special day.
Well, around 10 o'clock other members from the stake came to the Home to join the residents in Sacrament meeting. Although I had to keep working and cleaning, I would peek in to watch the residents. When the opening song started, I watched them open their hymn books and sing along. Some of them had to hold the books 2 inches away from their faces so they could read and others didn't even need books because they had the hymns memorized. And then of course there were a few who slept through the entire meeting haha.
But can you picture it? Here are these sweet, childlike members who are still devoted to the Gospel of Jesus Christ even after 80 years in the church, even when they have a choice to stay in their room, even when they might not be able to hear or see the speakers, even when they might be in pain or can't keep their eyes open long enough to stay awake. They still choose to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things and in all places. The sight of them worshipping their God and their Savior with smiles on their faces made me tear up. The Spirit was so strong and my testimony was strengthened. There's just something about the Spirit that makes it hard not to smile.
The other caregivers and I paused our work to sit in for the passing of the Sacrament. There were two Priesthood holders who prepared and blessed the Sacrament tokens and then one Deacon who passed them to the congregation. It was cute because we had to gently wake up a few of the residents so they could partake of the ordinance haha, but otherwise everyone else seemed eager to participate. Watching them reminded me that Christ's atoning sacrifice really is for everyone, no matter how old they are or where they come from. God understands each of us perfectly and appreciates every little effort we make to better ourselves and come closer to Him. I will never forget what I experienced today and I look forward to the many more Sundays I will spend with these sweet children of God.
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things" -unknown
Sunday, September 29, 2013
Friday, September 27, 2013
I'm Done with Doctors
Okay I'm not really done with doctors forever. But that's how I feel right now. And I guess for you to better understand why I feel this way I should probably explain the events that led up to these feelings.
It all began almost 4 years ago. I started having some pretty bad side pain on my right side when I was a sophomore in high school (2010). It hurt all the time. So I went to my doctor and told him everything. He decided that I should have an ultrasound done just to make sure all my organs in that area were functioning properly and to see if there was anything unusual. Of course, as soon as I told my friends I was having a US they immediately started teasing me about being pregnant and brought it up as much as possible during the months after. We were so mature in high school.
Anyway, I had the US and the only abnormal thing the doctor saw was some air in my abdomen and a little fluid that usually isn't there. So he threw out the idea that maybe it was an ovarian cyst. I went to Girls' Camp that summer and talked with a good friend/leader who was a nurse and she was pretty convinced that it was also an ovarian cyst. So as the next step I made an appointment with my OB/GYN (again, more pregnant jokes) and had another ultrasound to see if my ovaries had any cysts or if anything down there had ruptured. But everything was normal. He then threw out the idea that maybe it was constipation. Cause you know that's something you always want to hear from your doctor. Not embarrassing at all. But I talked with my Mom and my mom's friend/my adopted aunt Tanya and decided I would try to work better on eating more fiber to see if that would fix anything. I still have the notebook where I kept track of everything. Honestly, I was 99% sure I wasn't constipated but I was looking for answers and doctors are supposed to know everything right?
Well believe it or not, the pain didn't go away. It was still there, still bugging me every time I tried to do something. I went back to my doctor and this time he threw out the idea that it was a problem with my gallbladder. He ordered another US and guess what? Still nothing. No answers, nothing out of the ordinary. So he ordered a CT scan. First of all, can I just say that CT scans feel really weird? You have to drink this delicious orange juice looking drink (that was sarcasm if you couldn't tell) and then they inject you with something so they can see your organs better. Well the injection fluid is really warm and you can feel it spreading throughout your body. And when it moves down lower it feels like you have to pee really bad haha. Anyway, the CT scan came out negative as well. Surprise surprise. So since those tests weren't providing any answers, I had a hepatobiliary (HIDA) scan. It's basically a test that focuses specifically on your gallbladder, liver and bile ducts. They inject a radioactive tracer into a vein in your arm. Then they watch the tracer go through my liver and gallbladder (the liver treats the tracer like bile which allows the technicians to watch the liver work right there on the screen) which lasts about 2 hours. 2 hours of laying perfectly still. So much fun. But hey guess what?? The test came back negative. Nothing unusual there either. By this point I was starting to get really really frustrated.
So that was last summer. I came to school here in Rexburg last September and the pain was just as bad, just as annoying. There were days when I could hardly walk. In fact, there was one week last October where I could hardly do anything without hurting. So I went to the ER at Madison Memorial, thinking maybe they would have some answers. They took a blood test and then an x-ray of my abdominal area. BUT STILL NO FREAKIN' ANSWERS. I remember being really depressed that day.
Okay so remember my last post where I complained about having pretty bad heartburn and elevated ALT levels so I was going to the doctor? Well I had another gallbladder US on Tuesday then met with the doctor again yesterday. And you can probably guess what I'm about to say... Yep, everything came back normal in the US. And there were more elevated ALT levels in the blood test I took last week. So this doctor threw out the idea that I have a fatty liver. But even that was a guess because apparently no one knows what's wrong with me.
Well, I cried on the way home yesterday. It was just all so frustrating. I felt trapped. In most cases, a normal person would be happy that their tests came back negative. But I obviously have pain. I've been dealing with it for almost 4 years now and I have no way of treating it because I have no idea what it is. It hurts when I lay down, it hurts when I walk, it hurts when I do any physical activity, it hurts when I sit, it hurts when I eat a lot. It even hurts while I'm writing this. Sometimes the level of pain varies. Sometimes it hurts but I can still go about my day trying to ignore it. But sometimes I can't ignore it because it hurts like heck. And yet none of the 7 tests I've had can find anything. I've fasted and prayed a million times to find some sort of answer in the last 3 years. My family and friends have put up with my complaints so they deserve some answers too. Can you maybe understand why I'm frustrated? Honestly, I would rather they find something wrong with me so I can at least fix it. I've basically lost my trust in doctors and technology which is why I want to be done with them. And I'll admit that sometimes I even lost trust in God. I know that's the worst thing I could do during a trial but I'm human and my faith isn't perfect. I'm tired of waiting...but I guess there's nothing left I can do at this point.
So after talking with my loving and patient parents, we decided to just run with the idea of a fatty liver (since some of my symptoms fit the symptoms of a fatty liver) and do a few specific things that might alleviate some of the pain. But who knows? Let me answer that actually. God is honestly the only one who knows what's wrong with me so I'm trying to stay close to Him and wait on His time. He's the best physician out there. Doctors are human so their knowledge is limited. They're doing their best to come up with answers based on what they find. I'm learning and accepting that more now while becoming a nurse myself. I can't blame them because they can't do any better. And for that reason, I need God's knowledge and healing power more than anything. So for now I'm just going to pray for patience and understanding that I'll figure things out when I'm supposed to. If I were in charge I would get answers now. But I'm obviously not and God knows better than I do.
"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension...hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions...behold he hath heard my cry by day...I know in whom I have trusted."
It all began almost 4 years ago. I started having some pretty bad side pain on my right side when I was a sophomore in high school (2010). It hurt all the time. So I went to my doctor and told him everything. He decided that I should have an ultrasound done just to make sure all my organs in that area were functioning properly and to see if there was anything unusual. Of course, as soon as I told my friends I was having a US they immediately started teasing me about being pregnant and brought it up as much as possible during the months after. We were so mature in high school.
Anyway, I had the US and the only abnormal thing the doctor saw was some air in my abdomen and a little fluid that usually isn't there. So he threw out the idea that maybe it was an ovarian cyst. I went to Girls' Camp that summer and talked with a good friend/leader who was a nurse and she was pretty convinced that it was also an ovarian cyst. So as the next step I made an appointment with my OB/GYN (again, more pregnant jokes) and had another ultrasound to see if my ovaries had any cysts or if anything down there had ruptured. But everything was normal. He then threw out the idea that maybe it was constipation. Cause you know that's something you always want to hear from your doctor. Not embarrassing at all. But I talked with my Mom and my mom's friend/my adopted aunt Tanya and decided I would try to work better on eating more fiber to see if that would fix anything. I still have the notebook where I kept track of everything. Honestly, I was 99% sure I wasn't constipated but I was looking for answers and doctors are supposed to know everything right?
Well believe it or not, the pain didn't go away. It was still there, still bugging me every time I tried to do something. I went back to my doctor and this time he threw out the idea that it was a problem with my gallbladder. He ordered another US and guess what? Still nothing. No answers, nothing out of the ordinary. So he ordered a CT scan. First of all, can I just say that CT scans feel really weird? You have to drink this delicious orange juice looking drink (that was sarcasm if you couldn't tell) and then they inject you with something so they can see your organs better. Well the injection fluid is really warm and you can feel it spreading throughout your body. And when it moves down lower it feels like you have to pee really bad haha. Anyway, the CT scan came out negative as well. Surprise surprise. So since those tests weren't providing any answers, I had a hepatobiliary (HIDA) scan. It's basically a test that focuses specifically on your gallbladder, liver and bile ducts. They inject a radioactive tracer into a vein in your arm. Then they watch the tracer go through my liver and gallbladder (the liver treats the tracer like bile which allows the technicians to watch the liver work right there on the screen) which lasts about 2 hours. 2 hours of laying perfectly still. So much fun. But hey guess what?? The test came back negative. Nothing unusual there either. By this point I was starting to get really really frustrated.
So that was last summer. I came to school here in Rexburg last September and the pain was just as bad, just as annoying. There were days when I could hardly walk. In fact, there was one week last October where I could hardly do anything without hurting. So I went to the ER at Madison Memorial, thinking maybe they would have some answers. They took a blood test and then an x-ray of my abdominal area. BUT STILL NO FREAKIN' ANSWERS. I remember being really depressed that day.
Okay so remember my last post where I complained about having pretty bad heartburn and elevated ALT levels so I was going to the doctor? Well I had another gallbladder US on Tuesday then met with the doctor again yesterday. And you can probably guess what I'm about to say... Yep, everything came back normal in the US. And there were more elevated ALT levels in the blood test I took last week. So this doctor threw out the idea that I have a fatty liver. But even that was a guess because apparently no one knows what's wrong with me.
Well, I cried on the way home yesterday. It was just all so frustrating. I felt trapped. In most cases, a normal person would be happy that their tests came back negative. But I obviously have pain. I've been dealing with it for almost 4 years now and I have no way of treating it because I have no idea what it is. It hurts when I lay down, it hurts when I walk, it hurts when I do any physical activity, it hurts when I sit, it hurts when I eat a lot. It even hurts while I'm writing this. Sometimes the level of pain varies. Sometimes it hurts but I can still go about my day trying to ignore it. But sometimes I can't ignore it because it hurts like heck. And yet none of the 7 tests I've had can find anything. I've fasted and prayed a million times to find some sort of answer in the last 3 years. My family and friends have put up with my complaints so they deserve some answers too. Can you maybe understand why I'm frustrated? Honestly, I would rather they find something wrong with me so I can at least fix it. I've basically lost my trust in doctors and technology which is why I want to be done with them. And I'll admit that sometimes I even lost trust in God. I know that's the worst thing I could do during a trial but I'm human and my faith isn't perfect. I'm tired of waiting...but I guess there's nothing left I can do at this point.
So after talking with my loving and patient parents, we decided to just run with the idea of a fatty liver (since some of my symptoms fit the symptoms of a fatty liver) and do a few specific things that might alleviate some of the pain. But who knows? Let me answer that actually. God is honestly the only one who knows what's wrong with me so I'm trying to stay close to Him and wait on His time. He's the best physician out there. Doctors are human so their knowledge is limited. They're doing their best to come up with answers based on what they find. I'm learning and accepting that more now while becoming a nurse myself. I can't blame them because they can't do any better. And for that reason, I need God's knowledge and healing power more than anything. So for now I'm just going to pray for patience and understanding that I'll figure things out when I'm supposed to. If I were in charge I would get answers now. But I'm obviously not and God knows better than I do.
"O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension...hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions? My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions...behold he hath heard my cry by day...I know in whom I have trusted."
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Life As I Know It
I'm not one to share my opinion on most things if I don't have to. I try to mind my own business and offer advice only when someone asks for it. But there is one aspect of my life that I am more than willing to share... and that is my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.
There are only 3 things in my life that I can't live without: my family (including people that I consider as close as family), music and the Gospel. Everything else brings trivial happiness compared to the joy I receive from these specific blessings. For my online Family History class we were asked to share our testimony or our view on life and our future goals in an online journal that could be preserved. But I feel like I have so much I could say that this post would probably turn into a novel. So I'm just going to share my basic beliefs/goals and elaborate in future posts.
There are 4 solid, principal beliefs that I know are true without a doubt:
I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is my life and my greatest blessing. Because of that, I will continue to strive to live a Christ-like life worthy of His praise, setting an example of a disciple to all those within my path. And that is life as I know it.
There are only 3 things in my life that I can't live without: my family (including people that I consider as close as family), music and the Gospel. Everything else brings trivial happiness compared to the joy I receive from these specific blessings. For my online Family History class we were asked to share our testimony or our view on life and our future goals in an online journal that could be preserved. But I feel like I have so much I could say that this post would probably turn into a novel. So I'm just going to share my basic beliefs/goals and elaborate in future posts.
There are 4 solid, principal beliefs that I know are true without a doubt:
- Christ died on the cross after suffering for our sins in the Garden. But He lives today. He knows each one of us by name and He loves each one of us equally and unconditionally.
- Joseph Smith was a prophet of God, called to restore the full Gospel of Jesus Christ back onto the earth.
- And because Joseph Smith was a prophet, that means the Book of Mormon is a true testament of Christ. It contains the Word of God and adds significant truths in conjunction with the Bible.
- Thomas S. Monson is God's prophet on the earth today. He communicates with God Himself and relays those messages to us through inspired revelation.
I am not ashamed of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. It is my life and my greatest blessing. Because of that, I will continue to strive to live a Christ-like life worthy of His praise, setting an example of a disciple to all those within my path. And that is life as I know it.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Week 1 of School
Wow. Okay a lot happened this week. Monday I started my second year of college (I'm still having a hard time believing that this is my second year. I can't believe how fast time has gone) which means it was my first day in the Nursing Program.
Here's how my first day went: I walked into the classroom a little before 8 on Monday morning. I was one of the last people to arrive which was kind of surprising. I couldn't believe 42 Mormons were actually somewhere on time. Anyway, orientation started at 8 and the teachers introduced themselves. Then they pretty much went over the entire semester of nursing, as well as briefly go over all 4 semesters. So that was intimidating. Then each of us introduced ourselves and that was fun. Most of the students seem cool... only a few weirdies in the program haha. We filled out a bunch of paperwork, took a 15 minute break and commenced with the orientation once again. We had a few speakers come talk to us about the program and then we split up into groups to get to know each other better. And then the orientation ended at 1. So yeah that was my first day. I realized I already knew a girl from my chemistry class last semester, there was a guy from Richland I knew and then found out that I was related to another guy in the program haha. Granted, we're related through several lines of marriage but there is still a connection. And there ya go. But even with how overwhelming and stressful the day was, I realized even more that this is exactly where I need to be. I know it. It just feels right and I'm really excited for this adventure. Oh and Monday was also Jordan's 22nd birthday so shout out to the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. I love you, you old man ;)
So I'm sure I'm not the only one, but when I begin a new phase in life I always try to do better with exercise. Like when the year starts, or school gets out, or when school starts up again, etc. And this semester I fell into the same trap. I told myself "alright I'm finally going to start exercising every day and eating better. I'm going to go to the school and either workout in the gym or at the stadium, every night at 9 since that works best with my schedule." And then I get super pumped and motivated and feel better about myself just thinking about it. So Monday I picked up my friend Allison and we went over to the stadium. Of course, I forgot my knee brace AGAIN so that was great. My knee wasn't very happy with me. We did some bleachers (the bleachers at the BYU-Idaho stadium are terrible. Absolutely terrible). And then I ran around the track while Ali did some ab exercises. Remember how I said I was super excited and motivated and positive about getting in shape? Well as I was running and trying to breathe, I had thoughts like "this is impossible," "there is no way I can do this," "my body was not cut out for this," "how the heck does anyone do this," etc. Does anyone else feel that way? But now I'm trying to just take one day at a time. I've learned that goals are much more manageable and doable when you just focus on one day. So that's what I'm doing now. Every day I wake up and tell myself, "I can control what I eat TODAY. I can control how much I exercise TODAY" and that makes a huge difference. So there's some advice if it helps.
This week I also started having some health problems. I have never had a problem with heartburn throughout my life. Never. But I started feeling it on Monday in my back. It went away during the night and returned on Tuesday. But that went away temporarily. Then all of the sudden, it attacked me on Wednesday. It was terrible. I couldn't sit still, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't breath too well because of chest and back pain. I made an emergency run to Wal-Mart to buy some Tums and Zantac. But even those didn't work. I tried going to bed but couldn't sleep at all that night because I kept spitting up mucous (sorry, I'm a nursing major so I don't get grossed out very easily haha). Well, I went to school on Thursday with no improvement. I just kept eating Tums--my new favorite candy--and Saltine crackers. After class I went to donate plasma but they called me back to tell me that my blood ALT levels were elevated again. ALT is a liver protein that is found in the blood when there is some sort of liver damage. This was the second time they found elevated levels. So I couldn't donate which made me mad cause that meant I didn't have any gas money. Well, after talking with my dad I decided to just walk into the health center at the college and see if I could get a Dr. appointment. Luckily they had an opening within 30 minutes so I just waited. As soon as I saw the doctor, I told him everything and hoped he could make sense of all my problems. He ordered me some prescription pills for my acid reflux, a blood lab test for my elevated ALT levels, and a gallbladder ultrasound for my constant side pain. I should have some answers this week when I go back to the doctor on Thursday so I'll let you know what I find out. Here's to hoping and praying. Anyway, I've been taking the pills and my heartburn is gone... but the meds give me headaches and nausea haha. So I need to decide which pain is worse. Yay for pain.
Okay I promise I'm almost done. But yesterday was pretty rough. I wasn't feeling well and I was really missing Jordan. I was starting to get stressed out again with EVERYTHING I needed to do, including some future planning. I was frustrated because I couldn't control everything and things that I wanted weren't realistically possible. Yesterday was one of those days where I questioned why I had to go through certain things. I was jealous of all the couples at the college because they could see their boyfriends or girlfriends whenever they wanted and I have to wait weeks to see mine. I was jealous because it seemed like relationship things were easier for everyone else I knew. I was frustrated because Jordan's and my schedules always clash and I wanted certain things to happen sooner than they logically could. I was frustrated because I couldn't please everyone. Every little worry or frustration I've had for awhile just decided to dogpile me yesterday and it was awful.
But then I took a few breaths and went back to the basic little things:
1. Jordan and I love each other. That's all that matters. Everything else will work out around that and will happen when it's supposed to.
2. I'm where I need to be at school. If God wants me to be in the nursing program and I'm doing my part, then He will help me every step of the way. All things are possible with God.
3. I will get better. I've always recovered from past illnesses and I'll recover from this one. My body is strong. Working at the nursing home reminds me of how blessed I am every day.
4. I have really supportive family and friends who love me and want the best for me. I love them all.
It's also important to remember that I can't and never will please everyone. That's just how it is. And I have no idea what other people are going through. Their lives and relationships may seem perfect or easier but that's all superficial. Everyone has their own struggles so I can't compare my life to theirs. It's not fair to myself and it's not fair to them. Oh and whenever I feel overwhelmed and stressed, it helps to watch my favorite TV show and go to bed. It's amazing what sleep can do. I always feel better and life seems conquerable when I wake up in the morning. Just a few things I learned that help.
So that was my week. I have more nursing home stories to share but I feel like this post is already too long so I'll write another post specifically for those stories. I just hope that I can use my struggles and victories to either inspire or help others who might be going through the same things. Because when it comes down to it, it's the little things that get us through each day.
Here's how my first day went: I walked into the classroom a little before 8 on Monday morning. I was one of the last people to arrive which was kind of surprising. I couldn't believe 42 Mormons were actually somewhere on time. Anyway, orientation started at 8 and the teachers introduced themselves. Then they pretty much went over the entire semester of nursing, as well as briefly go over all 4 semesters. So that was intimidating. Then each of us introduced ourselves and that was fun. Most of the students seem cool... only a few weirdies in the program haha. We filled out a bunch of paperwork, took a 15 minute break and commenced with the orientation once again. We had a few speakers come talk to us about the program and then we split up into groups to get to know each other better. And then the orientation ended at 1. So yeah that was my first day. I realized I already knew a girl from my chemistry class last semester, there was a guy from Richland I knew and then found out that I was related to another guy in the program haha. Granted, we're related through several lines of marriage but there is still a connection. And there ya go. But even with how overwhelming and stressful the day was, I realized even more that this is exactly where I need to be. I know it. It just feels right and I'm really excited for this adventure. Oh and Monday was also Jordan's 22nd birthday so shout out to the best boyfriend a girl could ask for. I love you, you old man ;)
So I'm sure I'm not the only one, but when I begin a new phase in life I always try to do better with exercise. Like when the year starts, or school gets out, or when school starts up again, etc. And this semester I fell into the same trap. I told myself "alright I'm finally going to start exercising every day and eating better. I'm going to go to the school and either workout in the gym or at the stadium, every night at 9 since that works best with my schedule." And then I get super pumped and motivated and feel better about myself just thinking about it. So Monday I picked up my friend Allison and we went over to the stadium. Of course, I forgot my knee brace AGAIN so that was great. My knee wasn't very happy with me. We did some bleachers (the bleachers at the BYU-Idaho stadium are terrible. Absolutely terrible). And then I ran around the track while Ali did some ab exercises. Remember how I said I was super excited and motivated and positive about getting in shape? Well as I was running and trying to breathe, I had thoughts like "this is impossible," "there is no way I can do this," "my body was not cut out for this," "how the heck does anyone do this," etc. Does anyone else feel that way? But now I'm trying to just take one day at a time. I've learned that goals are much more manageable and doable when you just focus on one day. So that's what I'm doing now. Every day I wake up and tell myself, "I can control what I eat TODAY. I can control how much I exercise TODAY" and that makes a huge difference. So there's some advice if it helps.
This week I also started having some health problems. I have never had a problem with heartburn throughout my life. Never. But I started feeling it on Monday in my back. It went away during the night and returned on Tuesday. But that went away temporarily. Then all of the sudden, it attacked me on Wednesday. It was terrible. I couldn't sit still, couldn't focus on anything, couldn't breath too well because of chest and back pain. I made an emergency run to Wal-Mart to buy some Tums and Zantac. But even those didn't work. I tried going to bed but couldn't sleep at all that night because I kept spitting up mucous (sorry, I'm a nursing major so I don't get grossed out very easily haha). Well, I went to school on Thursday with no improvement. I just kept eating Tums--my new favorite candy--and Saltine crackers. After class I went to donate plasma but they called me back to tell me that my blood ALT levels were elevated again. ALT is a liver protein that is found in the blood when there is some sort of liver damage. This was the second time they found elevated levels. So I couldn't donate which made me mad cause that meant I didn't have any gas money. Well, after talking with my dad I decided to just walk into the health center at the college and see if I could get a Dr. appointment. Luckily they had an opening within 30 minutes so I just waited. As soon as I saw the doctor, I told him everything and hoped he could make sense of all my problems. He ordered me some prescription pills for my acid reflux, a blood lab test for my elevated ALT levels, and a gallbladder ultrasound for my constant side pain. I should have some answers this week when I go back to the doctor on Thursday so I'll let you know what I find out. Here's to hoping and praying. Anyway, I've been taking the pills and my heartburn is gone... but the meds give me headaches and nausea haha. So I need to decide which pain is worse. Yay for pain.
Okay I promise I'm almost done. But yesterday was pretty rough. I wasn't feeling well and I was really missing Jordan. I was starting to get stressed out again with EVERYTHING I needed to do, including some future planning. I was frustrated because I couldn't control everything and things that I wanted weren't realistically possible. Yesterday was one of those days where I questioned why I had to go through certain things. I was jealous of all the couples at the college because they could see their boyfriends or girlfriends whenever they wanted and I have to wait weeks to see mine. I was jealous because it seemed like relationship things were easier for everyone else I knew. I was frustrated because Jordan's and my schedules always clash and I wanted certain things to happen sooner than they logically could. I was frustrated because I couldn't please everyone. Every little worry or frustration I've had for awhile just decided to dogpile me yesterday and it was awful.
But then I took a few breaths and went back to the basic little things:
1. Jordan and I love each other. That's all that matters. Everything else will work out around that and will happen when it's supposed to.
2. I'm where I need to be at school. If God wants me to be in the nursing program and I'm doing my part, then He will help me every step of the way. All things are possible with God.
3. I will get better. I've always recovered from past illnesses and I'll recover from this one. My body is strong. Working at the nursing home reminds me of how blessed I am every day.
4. I have really supportive family and friends who love me and want the best for me. I love them all.
It's also important to remember that I can't and never will please everyone. That's just how it is. And I have no idea what other people are going through. Their lives and relationships may seem perfect or easier but that's all superficial. Everyone has their own struggles so I can't compare my life to theirs. It's not fair to myself and it's not fair to them. Oh and whenever I feel overwhelmed and stressed, it helps to watch my favorite TV show and go to bed. It's amazing what sleep can do. I always feel better and life seems conquerable when I wake up in the morning. Just a few things I learned that help.
So that was my week. I have more nursing home stories to share but I feel like this post is already too long so I'll write another post specifically for those stories. I just hope that I can use my struggles and victories to either inspire or help others who might be going through the same things. Because when it comes down to it, it's the little things that get us through each day.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
One Day at a Time
I tend to worry. A lot. Even when I know I shouldn't. I tend to look ahead toward the ending, rather than enjoying the moment. And then sometimes, I even think about every little thing that's going to happen in the upcoming months, creating unnecessary stress which ultimately leads to a mini emotional breakdown. My parents, knowing this all too well, have been telling me for years now to just take it one day at a time. I would tell them, "Yeah I know. But sometimes I HAVE to worry about the future because there are things I need to prepare for. I can't just focus one day at a time or I won't get anything done."
Now I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who likes to overwhelm myself with worries about the future, either the near or the distant future. I'm not a huge fan of the unknown. I like to be in control of things and know what to prepare for. This is a blessing and a curse: I accomplish tasks on time and always finish anything that's required of me. But I often also lose sight of today because I'm worrying too much about what I need to do tomorrow.
Take this for example. I went home this summer for about 2 weeks. It was great. And I was really looking forward to it. But as soon as I would get excited about something, I would immediately think about how I couldn't just relax and enjoy because I needed to be studying for nursing school or looking for a job. Then as I got closer to leaving home, I would get excited to see Jordan who was coming to Rexburg for a week. But then that just reminded me that I was one week closer to starting school and that I would be in Rexburg again...where I needed to be looking for a job. And I started feeling sad about Jordan leaving before he even got there. Ridiculous, right? So in other words (if you can follow my scattered train of thoughts), I wouldn't allow myself to enjoy the moment because I was too worried about what was coming. And if you ask me, that's not the way to live your life.
So my wise father sent me this inspired CES Devotional by D. Todd Christofferson called "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread" given in January of 2011. It's a really enlightening talk and I would encourage you to take the time to watch it when you can. I won't say much about it because I really think it's worth watching and he explains it much better than I can. But in summary, Elder Christofferson uses the example of the children of Israel in the wilderness to illustrate the idea of asking God only for what we need THAT DAY. God commanded the people to only gather as much manna as they needed for one day and not to worry about the next day because He would provide. And that's where faith plays a role. It might feel scary to surrender our worries of the future and trust that God will take care of things. And if you're like me, then you almost feel guilty not worrying or preparing about the future. But Elder Christofferson said something in his talk that really helped me. I'm paraphrasing it, but in general, he said that the Spirit will let us know when it is necessary for us to look ahead to the future. Otherwise, we should just focus one day at a time. What a relieving idea! As long as I am doing those things to stay close to the Spirit, then I can have faith that I will be prompted as to when I should prepare for future events. But in the mean time, it's okay to just enjoy the moment. It's okay.
"Come what may and love it"
because
"Life is to be enjoyed... not just endured."
Now I'm sure I'm not the only one out there who likes to overwhelm myself with worries about the future, either the near or the distant future. I'm not a huge fan of the unknown. I like to be in control of things and know what to prepare for. This is a blessing and a curse: I accomplish tasks on time and always finish anything that's required of me. But I often also lose sight of today because I'm worrying too much about what I need to do tomorrow.
Take this for example. I went home this summer for about 2 weeks. It was great. And I was really looking forward to it. But as soon as I would get excited about something, I would immediately think about how I couldn't just relax and enjoy because I needed to be studying for nursing school or looking for a job. Then as I got closer to leaving home, I would get excited to see Jordan who was coming to Rexburg for a week. But then that just reminded me that I was one week closer to starting school and that I would be in Rexburg again...where I needed to be looking for a job. And I started feeling sad about Jordan leaving before he even got there. Ridiculous, right? So in other words (if you can follow my scattered train of thoughts), I wouldn't allow myself to enjoy the moment because I was too worried about what was coming. And if you ask me, that's not the way to live your life.
So my wise father sent me this inspired CES Devotional by D. Todd Christofferson called "Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread" given in January of 2011. It's a really enlightening talk and I would encourage you to take the time to watch it when you can. I won't say much about it because I really think it's worth watching and he explains it much better than I can. But in summary, Elder Christofferson uses the example of the children of Israel in the wilderness to illustrate the idea of asking God only for what we need THAT DAY. God commanded the people to only gather as much manna as they needed for one day and not to worry about the next day because He would provide. And that's where faith plays a role. It might feel scary to surrender our worries of the future and trust that God will take care of things. And if you're like me, then you almost feel guilty not worrying or preparing about the future. But Elder Christofferson said something in his talk that really helped me. I'm paraphrasing it, but in general, he said that the Spirit will let us know when it is necessary for us to look ahead to the future. Otherwise, we should just focus one day at a time. What a relieving idea! As long as I am doing those things to stay close to the Spirit, then I can have faith that I will be prompted as to when I should prepare for future events. But in the mean time, it's okay to just enjoy the moment. It's okay.
"Come what may and love it"
because
"Life is to be enjoyed... not just endured."
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
Touched by an Angel
Well, it's my second day working at the nursing home and I absolutely love it! There are so many special residents there with such sweet spirits and I love every one of them. But during my 6 hour shift today I had some especially touching experiences that I thought were worth writing down and sharing.
I started my shift off with some room cleaning (my previous job as a medical facility janitor really came in handy). Jasen, one of the residents, is so sweet. He always thanks me for every little thing I do, compliments me whenever he sees me and then sends me off with an endearing "I love you!" Then I helped with showers, served dinner and volunteered to feed one of the bedridden ladies. She is usually quite unresponsive to most of what we say, but she really perked up and started talking when I announced that I had brought her ice cream. Who doesn't love ice cream?! So I sat and talked to her while I slowly fed her spoonful after spoonful. Sometimes the straw in her drink would splash a little water on her face and she would surprisingly cry out whichever expletive she thought of first haha. Of the few things she would actually say, I was surprised to hear words like that come out of her mouth. Old habits die hard I guess.
Anyway, after dinner we did some cleaning and then started putting the residents to bed. I decided to help another caregiver take care of a gentleman and shower him. But on my way to grabbing towels I ran into Virgil who was slowing riding down the hallway in his wheelchair. I asked him if I could do anything for him and he told me that he needed a top sheet on his bed because he didn't have one and his blanket was too scratchy. So I set the towels down, grabbed a top sheet and wheeled him to his room. As I was remaking his bed, he kept telling me what a good job I was doing and how much help I was to him. I told him it was not a problem and I was happy to help. When I was finished he thanked me over and over. I gave him a firm hug in which he hugged me even tighter. As we were embracing, with tears in his eyes, he said, "Thank you so much darling. You make it worth living here." At that point I was trying not to tear up myself... he is definitely one of my favorites. And as much work as it is, I couldn't ask for a more rewarding job.
Well, the night went on. I did some more showers and then went to check on Pat. I found her sitting on the edge of her bed in the dark so I went over to ask her how she was. Pat, I've learned, is a talker but she never really finishes her sentences. So it's best to just listen and nod when she speaks. But I could tell she was upset so I sat down on the bed next to her and rubbed her back while she talked. I asked her what I could do to help and she said she didn't know. So I suggested, "How about a hug?" She said, "Oh yes!" and we hugged. That's when the tears came flowing out of her and I just held her. I gently told her, "I'm always here for you Pat," and with that she said, "I love you!" We hugged a little longer and then I kissed her on the cheek and told her goodnight.
And there you have it. I began this job thinking that I was going to make a difference in the residents' lives, and maybe I am. But I'm learning now that they are the angels touching my life in a way that I will never forget. And there isn't a price you can put on that.
I started my shift off with some room cleaning (my previous job as a medical facility janitor really came in handy). Jasen, one of the residents, is so sweet. He always thanks me for every little thing I do, compliments me whenever he sees me and then sends me off with an endearing "I love you!" Then I helped with showers, served dinner and volunteered to feed one of the bedridden ladies. She is usually quite unresponsive to most of what we say, but she really perked up and started talking when I announced that I had brought her ice cream. Who doesn't love ice cream?! So I sat and talked to her while I slowly fed her spoonful after spoonful. Sometimes the straw in her drink would splash a little water on her face and she would surprisingly cry out whichever expletive she thought of first haha. Of the few things she would actually say, I was surprised to hear words like that come out of her mouth. Old habits die hard I guess.
Anyway, after dinner we did some cleaning and then started putting the residents to bed. I decided to help another caregiver take care of a gentleman and shower him. But on my way to grabbing towels I ran into Virgil who was slowing riding down the hallway in his wheelchair. I asked him if I could do anything for him and he told me that he needed a top sheet on his bed because he didn't have one and his blanket was too scratchy. So I set the towels down, grabbed a top sheet and wheeled him to his room. As I was remaking his bed, he kept telling me what a good job I was doing and how much help I was to him. I told him it was not a problem and I was happy to help. When I was finished he thanked me over and over. I gave him a firm hug in which he hugged me even tighter. As we were embracing, with tears in his eyes, he said, "Thank you so much darling. You make it worth living here." At that point I was trying not to tear up myself... he is definitely one of my favorites. And as much work as it is, I couldn't ask for a more rewarding job.
Well, the night went on. I did some more showers and then went to check on Pat. I found her sitting on the edge of her bed in the dark so I went over to ask her how she was. Pat, I've learned, is a talker but she never really finishes her sentences. So it's best to just listen and nod when she speaks. But I could tell she was upset so I sat down on the bed next to her and rubbed her back while she talked. I asked her what I could do to help and she said she didn't know. So I suggested, "How about a hug?" She said, "Oh yes!" and we hugged. That's when the tears came flowing out of her and I just held her. I gently told her, "I'm always here for you Pat," and with that she said, "I love you!" We hugged a little longer and then I kissed her on the cheek and told her goodnight.
And there you have it. I began this job thinking that I was going to make a difference in the residents' lives, and maybe I am. But I'm learning now that they are the angels touching my life in a way that I will never forget. And there isn't a price you can put on that.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
An Attitude of Gratitude
Okay, I am in a really good mood today and I just needed to blog about it. I have sooo many things to be thankful for right now and my heart is full! I can't say it enough. It really is the little things that make such a significant difference in my life.
Little things like:
*Having a really good hair and make up and outfit day. I actually had several this week and it's amazing how that affects my mood for the day. When you love yourself, it's much easier to love others and overall you're a lot happier! (But be sure to remember the difference between being confident and cocky...) Anyway, now I just need to work on loving myself more when my hair or make up or outfit refuse to cooperate haha
*Skyping my family whenever I want. It was funny because the last time I Skyped they were having family council and then the usual shouting for attention, everyone talking at the same time, and bickering over space bubbles started. So Mom asked me, "Don't you feel right at home?" I replied, "Yep and I love it! But it's even better cause now I can turn you off whenever I want hahaha :)" I love my family.
*Getting a job! Yep, I FINALLY got a job and it's at a nursing home here in Rexburg called The Homestead. Granted, the manager is still trying to find shifts that work with my school schedule. But I'm going to start training until then and I have faith that Heavenly Father will make it work. He knows my needs and wants and will help me as long as I do my part and trust Him (that's how I got the job in the first place). Plus, this job is also a nice little blessing because it will be great training and prep for working in a hospital.
*Watching my cousins play football! This week I got to watch 7th grader Kyle score FIVE touchdowns during his game! It was so much fun! And then I also got to watch senior Jason and sophomore Derek play together on their high school varsity team and beat last year's 2A state champs 36-26! They had some AWESOME tackles and plays. I am so proud of them and so proud to belong to such a talented family. I loved sitting in the bleachers and cheering with my family here in Rexburg! (I should also add that it's a nice little thing that I actually understand football now haha. Makes it even more exciting to watch).
*Having a crazy TV show to watch. Yes, I will admit that a guilty pleasure of mine would probably be watching Pretty Little Liars every week (thank you Bri and Megan for getting me hooked). It's full of suspense, shock, mystery, murder, laughs, love and friendship... all things I enjoy in a show. But I also enjoy watching it because it's another little thing that my sisters and I can talk about together. This week was the season finale and it was ridiculous. This show drives me crazy because I NEVER know what to expect. Like, who would have ever thought Ezra would be A?? That shatters my entire universe! (Well, not entirely. I was just quoting Hot Rod cause it worked with the moment haha)
I feel it's important to express gratitude as often as possible because then God will continue to bless us when He knows those blessings actually mean something special to us. When we appreciate what we have, we will be given more. Counting my blessings also helps me when I'm in a bad mood because it's hard to have a bad day when I'm constantly trying to think about the good things in my life, both small and big. So it was a pretty great week, only adding more to a great life.
Little things like:
*Having a really good hair and make up and outfit day. I actually had several this week and it's amazing how that affects my mood for the day. When you love yourself, it's much easier to love others and overall you're a lot happier! (But be sure to remember the difference between being confident and cocky...) Anyway, now I just need to work on loving myself more when my hair or make up or outfit refuse to cooperate haha
*Skyping my family whenever I want. It was funny because the last time I Skyped they were having family council and then the usual shouting for attention, everyone talking at the same time, and bickering over space bubbles started. So Mom asked me, "Don't you feel right at home?" I replied, "Yep and I love it! But it's even better cause now I can turn you off whenever I want hahaha :)" I love my family.
*Texting the love of my life Jordan every day. We don't text every second or every minute (believe it or not). But it's a nice little thing to know that he's thinking of me even when we aren't talking or the fact that he's always there for me to talk to. And then I sometimes get the wonderful blessing of Skyping him as well. When he's happy, I'm happy and it makes the biggest impact on my day :)
*Watching my cousins play football! This week I got to watch 7th grader Kyle score FIVE touchdowns during his game! It was so much fun! And then I also got to watch senior Jason and sophomore Derek play together on their high school varsity team and beat last year's 2A state champs 36-26! They had some AWESOME tackles and plays. I am so proud of them and so proud to belong to such a talented family. I loved sitting in the bleachers and cheering with my family here in Rexburg! (I should also add that it's a nice little thing that I actually understand football now haha. Makes it even more exciting to watch).
*Donating plasma! Now that I'm back in Rexburg to stay for awhile, I started donating again and that's a great blessing. But let me clarify something: no it is NOT a form of prostitution. I am NOT selling my body for money. I am sharing healthy blood proteins with people who lack them and thus have life-threatening blood clotting issues. If I am healthy and have enough factors to spare, then why not share? It literally saves lives. A person who donates gets paid because it's a timely process and you end up donating quite a bit of plasma just for that small--but extremely important--amount of proteins. There are risks and not everyone can physically participate. But in my opinion it's worth it and the fact that I can personally do it without serious repercussions is a huge little thing I'm grateful for.
*Having a crazy TV show to watch. Yes, I will admit that a guilty pleasure of mine would probably be watching Pretty Little Liars every week (thank you Bri and Megan for getting me hooked). It's full of suspense, shock, mystery, murder, laughs, love and friendship... all things I enjoy in a show. But I also enjoy watching it because it's another little thing that my sisters and I can talk about together. This week was the season finale and it was ridiculous. This show drives me crazy because I NEVER know what to expect. Like, who would have ever thought Ezra would be A?? That shatters my entire universe! (Well, not entirely. I was just quoting Hot Rod cause it worked with the moment haha)
I feel it's important to express gratitude as often as possible because then God will continue to bless us when He knows those blessings actually mean something special to us. When we appreciate what we have, we will be given more. Counting my blessings also helps me when I'm in a bad mood because it's hard to have a bad day when I'm constantly trying to think about the good things in my life, both small and big. So it was a pretty great week, only adding more to a great life.
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