Make that Change

Considering everything that's happened since my last blog post (which I believe was like 8 months ago haha), it's hard to know where to start. If I wrote about every little thing, this post would be a novel. So I guess I'll just give updates on the more important things that have occurred so far this year. We've been on some really great trips and have spent a lot more time with family than we have before and we've loved it! But I'll save those memories for another blog post :)

One of the biggest changes that has taken place so far was me switching from working the night shift to working days! Since I made the switch in July, I cannot fully describe how positive this change has been on not only me but on my relationship with Jordan. I think the biggest difference I've noticed since the change is the fact that I haven't cried before going to work for almost two months now! I actually ENJOY going to work. Who would've thought that was possible?!

You might be thinking that it's ridiculous for someone to cry when they have to work. Why keep working there if you're not happy? It's hard to explain, but I think the biggest factor was that I felt like I was abandoning Jordan all the time. He would get home from work or school and then I would have to leave for the rest of the night. I was so depressed, feeling like all I did with my life was sleep and work. My days off were pointless because I was too exhausted to do anything. So I would either sleep all day and feel guilty, or I would be grumpy trying to stay up all day and then feel guilty because I was grumpy and tired. It was a vicious cycle. And even though it felt like I slept all the time, I was still constantly tired because it wasn't a normal sleeping schedule and my body never could get used to it.

Don't get me wrong, I still loved my job which is why I forced myself to go to work even when I was crying the whole way there. But now that I'm working days, I appreciate it even more. It's incredible how different I feel being awake and working while everyone else is awake. I love seeing my patients as regular human beings who are actively participating in therapies and progressing at miraculous levels, as opposed to seeing them as just patients who should be sleeping at night but either don't want to or aren't able to. (Does that make sense?) My job on the rehab unit is so much more fulfilling now that I feel like I'm actually doing something to help my patients, rather than just sitting there while they try to sleep. (DISCLAIMER: I know night nurses do more than that, but I'm just trying to explain my thought process and mental state while working nights). One of the best parts of working days is that when I get home from work, I don't feel like I need to go to bed right away. I can go to bed at a normal hour, sleep like a normal person at night, and fully enjoy my days off without feeling like a zombie. I may not get as much sleep as I did on nights (since I would literally "sleep" for 10-16 hours depending on the day), but the quality of sleep I get now is so much better and it makes all the difference. Plus, now I don't have to feel guilty about making Jordan sleep alone which was also weighing me down emotionally. So yeah, working days has been so much better for me in every way.

Another big change that has taken place recently is that Jordan quit his job at Harmon's (finally!) ! After working there intermittently over the last 8 years of his life, he has officially said his goodbyes. Believe me, working at Harmon's has been a big blessing, especially since they were so willing to rehire him after his mission and after we moved back from Rexburg. He's made some great friends and learned some great skills over the years and I'm sure he appreciates what he's gained from his experience. But lately it's been more of a problem than a blessing which is why we decided that it would be better overall for him to leave. When he was rehired after we moved back to Salt Lake, it was meant to be a part-time job that would work well with his full-time school schedule. But for the last 9 months or so, he's been working 40 hours a week and hardly ever getting weekends off (or a day off for that matter). Because Jordan is a stud, he's still been able to get really good grades while working these long hours and taking a 15 credit load at school. He is one of the most hard-working men I've met in my life and he rarely complains about it (I think I do enough complaining for the both of us...). I am so grateful to have him as my husband, but his schedule has been killing me because I feel so guilty that he has had to put up with it. I would constantly worry that he's not getting enough sleep or I would feel bad that he had to come home from an early morning of work and spend the rest of the day doing homework.

But now that he has a different job (that's actually part-time), I'm looking forward to the little things like being able to go to church with him every Sunday, or sleeping in together on our days off (which he will actually have now! ), or being able to stay up later with friends since he won't have to wake up at 4:40 in the morning anymore. I'm telling ya, it's little things like these that mean the most to us and make the biggest difference!

Thanks to these two simple yet significant changes, my guilt level and mental/emotional health have improved greatly. And even though we're both taking some pay cuts with these changes, I keep reminding myself at the end of the day that my happiness and sanity is priceless. Keeping a positive and eternal perspective reminds me that spending more time with Jordan and enjoying my job more is worth a little smaller of a paycheck.

While visiting my grandparents in Rexburg this last weekend, I was reminded of a favorite quote my grandma has stitched into a pillow: "Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."- Pres. Gordon B. Hinckley

I think from here on out, Jordan and I are going to be doing a little more enjoying and a little less enduring, thanks to the changes Heavenly Father has made possible in our lives.