My Daily Battle

Well this week definitely had its challenges. I know that every week has its challenges but this week was different and I'm just gonna cut straight to the point.

Wednesday was terrible.

It felt like everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong.

The day couldn't have gotten worse.

Okay I know that sounds really dramatic and probably over exaggerated but let me explain and then you can decide for yourself.

Wednesday I decided to go take my first nursing test for the semester. So I woke up a little earlier (thankfully I don't have classes on Wednesdays) and did some more studying in the morning. I had an appointment at 11 o'clock with my teacher and a few other girls to practice IV's on each other for the first time. After that I was planning on taking my test, working out at the gym, then going to a work meeting at 3. I felt confident and organized and determined to get everything done.

I got to the school, met up with everyone and we headed over to a private room to start IV's. Well somehow I got assigned to go first and stick my partner. I had only practiced IV's on a mannequin and it was really easy, but I was still a little nervous to do it on a real person. And little did I know that my partner was pretty terrified of needles. She started complaining of feeling dizzy and lightheaded even while I was just setting up the equipment and it only got worse as I started the process. I could tell she was most likely going to pass out pretty soon. Well her veins were a little hard to work with and my teacher was telling me to do things I had never practiced before. And since I was the first person to try I had no examples to learn from. So I got the needle in her but I couldn't get blood flashback which means I had to dig around a little. And that really didn't make my partner feel any better. So she was about to pass out, my teacher was telling me a million different things to do, I was under a ton of pressure and feeling terrible so I just pulled the needle out and bandaged her hand up.

I felt like a failure.

After I finished, everyone else took a turn and got blood on their first try. And my veins were awesome that morning which made it a lot easier for my partner. So yeah, that made me feel even more like a failure. Well I was already feeling terrible and then something happened I never thought would happen to me.

My teacher was talking about documentation and such and so she asked us, "What is another term we could use to describe an obese person's stomach without calling them fat?" We paused for a sec trying to come up with an answer so she said, "Like, how would we describe your stomach Jess?"

I froze. Did she really just say that? Did she just openly compare me to an obese person in front of my peers? I didn't say anything and no one else said anything. So she came up with the answer of "well-rounded." My partner and I awkwardly looked at each other and started saying things like "well we've only been taught to use the term obese so yeah...uhh" and thankfully changed the subject. But at that point I was literally holding back tears. I knew that if I didn't keep it together I would burst out sobbing right there and then.

You know that feeling when you feel like you've already been knocked to the ground and then someone gives you one more hard kick to the stomach? Yeah that's exactly how I felt. My confidence had been completely murdered.

Well the IV's had taken longer than I thought so I headed straight over to the testing center realizing I wouldn't have enough time to work out before my meeting. And that made me upset because apparently it was really obvious now that I needed to work out. Anyway, I took my test, feeling pretty confident about it, only to find out at the end that I got a 73% on it. Granted, there were only 33 questions so the more you missed the faster your grade dropped. But I got a 73%. I got a C on a test. And if you know me then you know that anything lower than a B is pretty much death. That was the lowest grade I had EVER gotten on a test before in my entire school life. So yeah, the day just kept getting better and better.

Well I told myself on the way home that I wasn't going to eat anything for the rest of the day and maybe a few days after that because I obviously didn't need to eat. I went to my work meeting and then came home and did homework for the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about what my teacher said to me. And the more I thought about it the angrier and more upset I got. I hated myself and I had absolutely no confidence or self respect.

It was hard to concentrate on anything because I was sad and hungry. I wouldn't let myself cry because then everyone would know something was wrong and I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it (except of course Jordan and my parents).

Did my teacher know that I had been struggling with my weight and self-esteem for the last 8 years?
Did she know that I couldn't eat ANYTHING without feeling guilty or bad about myself?
Did she know that I only liked wearing sweats and t-shirts because I didn't feel confident enough to wear clothes that might have showed my curves a little?
Did she know that I cried myself to sleep most nights because I was disgusted with myself?
Did she know that I felt hopeless and trapped about trying to lose weight and get in shape?
Did she know that I couldn't even walk through campus or look at Facebook without comparing myself and wishing I looked differently?
Did she know that I hate how my stomach looks and that it's what I'm self-conscious about the most?
Did she know that I have six younger sisters who I have to set an example for and try to stay positive for so they won't grow up messed up like me?
Did she know that I fight this same battle with myself EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Did she even know anything about me?

No. She knew nothing. And that's why she didn't even think before calling me out. That's why her ignorant, inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate comment completely destroyed me. That whole day I kept thinking, "Am I really that fat? Am I actually bigger than I think I am? Do people see something completely different than what I see? Could I really be considered an obese person?"

Some days I do really well. Some days I don't care what people think about me and I actually love myself. But then I think that I shouldn't be allowed to be content with myself because there's so much I need to change and if I'm content then nothing will change. Some days I really believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful and I realize I have nothing to complain about because I'm actually a pretty healthy person. But then the battle begins again and those feelings are gone.

Now I need to explain that I've actually gotten a lot better in the last couple years. When this battle started in middle school (like it does for most people) it was terrible. Just ask my parents. They've been fighting this battle with me and they've seen the destruction. Thinking about what I've put them through makes me cry every time because they don't deserve it. They are the best parents I could ask for and I made raising me probably one of the most difficult things they can think of.

And now that I'm getting married in less than three months the struggle is becoming more real again. Jordan tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how much he loves everything about me and I really believe him. But I still want to be my best self for him and I want to feel confident during our marriage. But with all the stress of nursing school I make excuses and tell myself that I don't have time to exercise and that I can eat whatever I want because I'm under a lot of stress and good food makes me happy. If you know me you know how much I love children and babies. But I'm extremely hesitant to have children because of what it could do to my body. And I know that's extremely selfish but I'm just being honest. If I already look like this without having had any babies then it's only gonna get worse after I have children.

Now after reading all of that you probably think I have some serious mental and emotional and psychological issues. And your'e probably right. But I know I'm not the only who feels or has felt this way before. And maybe someone who has struggled with the same thing can find some comfort in knowing they're not alone either. I really am trying to do better. When I get those negative and damaging thoughts I try to tell Satan to go away because I know those thoughts aren't from God. I'm trying to become stronger in resisting Satan's influence and better in letting Heavenly Father in. I'm trying to believe it when people do compliment me.

I'm trying to love me for me. God doesn't make mistakes. It's not possible for him to make mistakes. Sometimes I tell myself that as the first child in my family and as the test dummy I got all the mistakes and problems but I know that's not true. I am not a mistake. I was sent here for a specific reason. I was given this body for a specific purpose. I am who I am for a reason and I shouldn't question God because He knows everything and He sees the bigger picture. I need to trust Him and my parents and my family and my soon-to-be husband when they try to help.

I am so grateful for this Gospel and for the people in my life. I know they were put in my life for a reason because I would be completely lost without them and without the Gospel. I know that through Christ I can do all things and I will win this battle. I will come out stronger and I will love myself. It will definitely take a lot of prayer and work and faith but it is possible. I won't let someone's comments determine my self-worth. I will let God's love for me determine my self-worth.

I've got a long way to go but I'm getting there. One day at a time.

My 2013 Christmas Vacation

Well, it's been awhile since I actually updated this blog with some of my life stories so I figured now would be a good time to write about my Christmas break.

On Monday, December 23 I took off from Rexburg around 6 in the morning. It was pretty dark and foggy to start out with but once I got through Twin Falls the ride was pretty easy. I listened to a Mary Higgins Clark book on CD, ate licorice and beef jerky, and talked to Jordan and my mom on the phone to keep me awake. But 8 1/2 hours later I finally made it home to Richland! The weather was so nice it didn't feel like winter at all. I even had to change out of my sweatshirt since it was way warmer than Rexburg. Well, I hung out with my sisters for awhile and then picked up my dad and Jenna from work. Of course, when Jenna saw me the first thing she was excited about was having the gray car again but then she was excited to see me too haha. Mom prepared my favorite meal, lasagna, for dinner and then I went to bed pretty early since I was tired from the drive. But all in all, I was just really happy to be home again.

Tuesday (Christmas Eve), we got up and did the usual housework and then ate pizza for lunch while watching the Christmas movie "Jingle All the Way." Then we pretty much played Wii games for the rest of the afternoon. Around 4 we left for the movie theater to watch the second Hunger Games movie "Catching Fire." I have a love/hate relationship with those movies. I can't stand all the violence and government control, but overall I really like the story. And it was fun going to a movie with my family. After the movie we all sat around and sang every Christmas hymn out of the hymn book, singing all the melodies and harmonies as well. It's not too often you find a family of all girls and one guy who can sight-read songs and sing all the parts. But it really brought the spirit into our home and made me love my family even more. Then we prepared for our traditional Christmas Eve activities of playing Guitar Hero and having a slumber party downstairs. Once we finally turned the game off, it took about 30 minutes just to go to bed since one person would say something to make everyone laugh and then another person would say something and it just went on and on.

Christmas morning we all woke up around 8 (our family likes to sleep in) and went upstairs to look at what Santa had given us. After going through our stockings we finished preparing our traditional huge Christmas breakfast. Mom and Dad invited Dad's previous boss over for breakfast since she's a single lady who would have been alone. It was nice having her over to celebrate. Then around 11 we started opening the rest of the gifts. We always start youngest to oldest and each person takes a turn opening one of their gifts. This process usually takes several hours since there are 10 of us (including grandma) and because we clap and cheer after EVERY SINGLE PRESENT. But hey, that's what makes it fun and it makes Mom and Dad feel good. After the gifts were finally opened we headed over to our favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch (trying to pull a Christmas Story I guess) and then went over to Grandma's house while we waited for Jordan's plane to get in. After some frustrating hours of waiting and suspense, his plane finally got in at 6 and I finally got the best Christmas present of being able to spend the rest of Christmas with him. It was wonderful and the best Christmas by far.

 

The next morning we slept in some, cleaned the house then did some shopping at Wal-Mart. And then we pretty much spent the rest of the day playing Wii games. It was fun just hanging out and relaxing. Friday, Dad signed some of us up to go donate blood. I was a little nervous since I know my veins are small and don't like to cooperate sometimes. But I drank plenty of water and everything went great. My dad, Jenna, Jordan and I all donated and we had a competition of who could donate the fastest. Dad finished in 4 minutes flat, Jenna in 4 minutes 26 seconds, me in 5 minutes and 5 seconds and Jordan in 5 minutes and 30 seconds. We got free t-shirts and free snacks haha. It was a fun bonding moment. Then we did a little shopping at Fred Meyer and went home. That night we decided to do our second annual Fast Food Frenzy (also known as the Hunger Games when we take too long to eat). But it was fun because we went to 11 different fast food restaurants and we pretty much all ended up sharing the food. Such a fun tradition.

 

Saturday was the first day we decided to take engagement pictures. Jenna took us to a spot down by the Yakima river and took some great pictures. It was really cold but still really fun. Then Mom made homemade pizza for dinner (so stinkin' good, I'm pretty sure I ate like 10 pieces) and then Grandma and Grandpa Warren made a surprise trip up to see Alex before she leaves. It was great having everyone together. Then Alex, Jenna, Jordan, Sammie and I all went to Maui's Apple to get some froyo, cause it's hard to resist that.

Sunday was awesome. I went to church with wonderful friends and family, listened to Sammie and Alex speak, sang a beautiful a cappella version of "Beautiful Savior" with all my sisters, and cried when we sang "God be with you til We Meet Again" as the closing hymn. It's so crazy to think that my sister is going on a mission. So crazy. But I'm so proud of her! After church we watched a bunch of home videos and laughed our heads off. Then we had an open house so people could come say goodbye to Alex before she left. We had a pretty good crowd and had fun talking to family and friends the whole evening. Then we played the board game Jordan bought for our family "Bubble Talk." It's basically like "Apples to Apples" where everyone gets seven different captions and each person has to choose the caption they think fits the picture the best. Then the "judge" decides which caption they like the most. It's a hilarious game and we had a blast.

Monday, Jenna, Jordan and I did some shopping so we could get Jordan something to wear in more engagement pictures. After dropping Jenna off at work, we met my mom and Alex at Costa Vida for lunch. Holy cow I love that place. Then we stopped by to see a lady in my grandma's ward who volunteered to work on my wedding dress. It's amazing how much just a few minor alterations can make the dress fit and look completely different. I'm so excited to wear it in April! Later that evening we all went to the trampoline place Get Air in Kennewick for Family Home Evening and had a ton of fun. I wasn't able to participate due to some frustrating physical limitations, but it was still fun to watch and take pictures. Then we came home and watched the first part of the last Harry Potter movie since Jordan hadn't seen them. 'Twas a fun evening.

 

Tuesday (New Year's Eve) had its ups and downs but overall it was really good. We went out to take more engagement pictures as well as Alex's missionary pictures. Then Jordan and I decided to go register for the wedding at Target. That was going well until my hip started acting up and we had to leave early cause I couldn't walk around the store anymore. But we came home to a plethora of delicious traditional snack foods like mozzarella sticks, taquitos, mini tacos, cheese dip, egg rolls and a bunch of other tasty treats. We watched Million Dollar Duck, started a 1000 piece puzzle and sang karaoke. Then Bri and her boyfriend Channing showed up. After sitting around and talking for awhile, we decided to go to the YSA New Year's Eve dance just for fun. And let me tell ya, it was so stereotypically accurate that the movie "Single's Ward" could have been filmed there haha. But we had fun dancing and people watching. Jordan and I made it home a little before midnight so we could celebrate with my family. I ended 2013 and started 2014 with the love of my life and couldn't have asked for a better evening. I love Jordan and I love my family!

Wednesday we all slept in until like 11, did some typical housework, took some more engagement photos and then took my youngest four sisters out for their Junior Bridesmaid party! We went out to Red Robin for dinner and ate until we were stuffed with bottomless fries. Then we tried going shopping but all of the stores were closed early. So we came home and watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie. When that movie was over we went to Dairy Queen to redeem our free blizzard coupons. Then we came home and watched the second part of the last Harry Potter movies. I love that series. I could watch those movies any day.

 Thursday we decided to try shopping again, but Jordan and I had to leave the stores early so we could go babysit. That was really fun because we watched "Lizards of Boz" (or the Wizard of Oz in the words of the 2 year old) and made homemade pizza for the kids. Before we ate dinner, Jane said she wanted to say the prayer, but then Kate decided she wanted to pray too and started repeating everything Jane said. And then the cutest thing happened. Jane blessed the food and said thank you for it, but then suddenly she said, "And please help Kate understand that she's not saying the prayer right now..." Jordan and I busted up laughing it was so cute. Needless to say we had a great time babysitting. Then we came home and hung out, worked on the puzzle, danced, ran to Fred Meyer to buy drinks and then watched the movie "Red." Such a fun day.

Friday started out like any other day with housework and Spudnuts for breakfast haha. Then Jenna, Jordan and I went to Shang Hai for lunch and for Jenna's payment as our photographer. That was fun and entertaining and filling for sure. When we got home, we cleaned the car some, played more Wii games and then went to dinner with Mom, Dad and Grandma at Outback Steakhouse. It was nice being able to eat good food and share good conversation with some great people. After dinner the whole family went to a hockey game since it was one of our Christmas gifts. That was awesome going crazy with the family and cheering on the local hockey team. We won 5-1 but Jordan and I'm sure everyone else were really hoping to see a good fight but the refs kept breaking the players up haha. Oh well it was still fun. Then we came home and finally finished the puzzle! Dad gave me a father's blessing before I left for school again which got me all emotional on my last night at home. I just love my family too much and it's hard saying goodbye after being with them for two weeks. Goodbyes never get easier.

Well, Jordan and I finally took off to Utah around 10:30 on Saturday morning. It was an emotional morning saying goodbye to everyone, especially Alex who leaves for Mexico City on Wednesday. I'm so extremely proud of her and can't wait to hear all her awesome stories. Who knows, I might even run into her in Salt Lake City haha. Anyway, I drove the first half of the car trip, we ate lunch in Boise and then Jordan drove the last half into Utah. We got home a little before nine and then went over to his best friend's house to watch a Netflix movie. I missed Utah and it was nice to be back.

And now here I am, getting ready to head back to Rexburg tomorrow to begin my second semester of the nursing program. I'm a little nervous but I know everything will be fine as long as I put my trust in God and stay close to the Spirit. Plus, Jordan and I have been engaged for three months today which means only three more months left to the wedding. We're in the double digits now! So excited for everything this new year will bring. I'm so grateful for these last two weeks I had to spend with my family and make eternal memories. Families are forever!