"Mawage is What Bwings Us Togeva Today"

I can't believe Jordan and I have been married for three months already. The time just continues to fly by. And yet, it feels like we've been married forever. Crazy how it works like that. As my fifth semester of college comes to a close, I think about everything I've learned about marriage and families and how I've applied those lessons in my short but wonderful marriage. In her mission email to me today, Alex asked if marriage was really as hard as they say it is. Trust me, I'm not an expert, but I have learned a few important things so far. I told her, "Marriage really isn't hard when you both love each other and focus on the other person's needs. It only gets hard when you get selfish." Honestly, from what I've seen in other marriages and in my own, I believe it really comes down to that. When we are only focused on ourselves and what we want, it's a lot easier to notice everything that goes wrong and everything we don't like in our spouse. And I'm sure we can all agree that isn't healthy for a marriage, right?


Anyway, I've been struggling with feelings of stress, hopelessness, depression, doubt, self-hate as well as a lack of motivation or energy to do anything anymore lately.  It could be due to the fact that I've been in school for 11 months straight with few breaks, or that I'm in nursing school taking 15 credits every semester or that I was trying to work a part-time job at the same time. Most likely it was a combination of all of the above. But either way, it's driving me crazy and I hate feeling this way. I was reading in my family textbook that, "Married people are generally happier, the studies find, with greater life expectancy, lower risk for depression, and greater economic stability, all contributing to better mental health. Interestingly, when young adults marry, they experience an immediate reduction in depressive symptoms and higher life satisfaction."

So then I ask, why do I feel like this? Why am I depressed? If that's what the studies find, why isn't it true for me?

Actually, it is true for me.
I honestly think that if I wasn't married to my best friend and Jordan wasn't here to love and support me, it would be a lot worse and I would be in a deeper mess than I already am. I'm not saying marriage is something to do to escape from your problems because trust me, it is not an escape route. Sometimes marriage can be the trigger for my negative emotions since I feel a little more self-conscious at times or I feel guilty for just doing homework all day and not spending quality time with him. But in general, I know my stress is coming from outside sources and marriage has made all the difference.

Right now, most of my stress and depression is coming from my obsession with how I look. Pathetic, I know. Since I wrote the post, "My Daily Battle," back in January, things really haven't gotten any better. If anything, they've gotten worse because I'm even more stressed about it. I can't sit in class without worrying what people see or how I look. I can't look at the clothes in my closet without crying because I'm reminded that I used to fit into those clothes only a year ago. I can't hang out with my gorgeous friends without comparing myself to them and wishing I was different. I find myself crying almost every other day because of how hopeless I feel. And then I think about what I'm putting Jordan through and it makes me even more upset because I love him so much and want to be the best for him.

Alright, I'm done with my pity party. Part of me wishes I could get counseling and get rid of these ugly feelings, while the other part of me is too embarrassed to ask for help. So for now, I'm going to stop being selfish and focus on my husband because he is everything to me.

I want all of you who are reading this (especially those who aren't married yet) to know that there are good days. It's not always bad and the good definitely outweighs anything that could go wrong.

"Both the soft stories and the hard evidence attest to the fact that good marriages are undeniably worth the work, sacrifice, and dedication they require. The benefits of marriage are unique. The benefits begin at the marriage ceremony, extend into the lives of husbands, wives and their children across time, then stretch out to bolster neighborhoods, communities and the world at large" 

(Successful Marriages and Families)

Love makes it all worth it. When everything and everyone else fades away, love remains. So I'll take the bad if it means getting to be with Jordan forever.

In the words of the mermaid Aquamarine, "Don't you just LOVE love?!"