Wednesday was terrible.
It felt like everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong.
The day couldn't have gotten worse.
Okay I know that sounds really dramatic and probably over exaggerated but let me explain and then you can decide for yourself.
Wednesday I decided to go take my first nursing test for the semester. So I woke up a little earlier (thankfully I don't have classes on Wednesdays) and did some more studying in the morning. I had an appointment at 11 o'clock with my teacher and a few other girls to practice IV's on each other for the first time. After that I was planning on taking my test, working out at the gym, then going to a work meeting at 3. I felt confident and organized and determined to get everything done.
I got to the school, met up with everyone and we headed over to a private room to start IV's. Well somehow I got assigned to go first and stick my partner. I had only practiced IV's on a mannequin and it was really easy, but I was still a little nervous to do it on a real person. And little did I know that my partner was pretty terrified of needles. She started complaining of feeling dizzy and lightheaded even while I was just setting up the equipment and it only got worse as I started the process. I could tell she was most likely going to pass out pretty soon. Well her veins were a little hard to work with and my teacher was telling me to do things I had never practiced before. And since I was the first person to try I had no examples to learn from. So I got the needle in her but I couldn't get blood flashback which means I had to dig around a little. And that really didn't make my partner feel any better. So she was about to pass out, my teacher was telling me a million different things to do, I was under a ton of pressure and feeling terrible so I just pulled the needle out and bandaged her hand up.
I felt like a failure.
After I finished, everyone else took a turn and got blood on their first try. And my veins were awesome that morning which made it a lot easier for my partner. So yeah, that made me feel even more like a failure. Well I was already feeling terrible and then something happened I never thought would happen to me.
My teacher was talking about documentation and such and so she asked us, "What is another term we could use to describe an obese person's stomach without calling them fat?" We paused for a sec trying to come up with an answer so she said, "Like, how would we describe your stomach Jess?"
I froze. Did she really just say that? Did she just openly compare me to an obese person in front of my peers? I didn't say anything and no one else said anything. So she came up with the answer of "well-rounded." My partner and I awkwardly looked at each other and started saying things like "well we've only been taught to use the term obese so yeah...uhh" and thankfully changed the subject. But at that point I was literally holding back tears. I knew that if I didn't keep it together I would burst out sobbing right there and then.
You know that feeling when you feel like you've already been knocked to the ground and then someone gives you one more hard kick to the stomach? Yeah that's exactly how I felt. My confidence had been completely murdered.
Well the IV's had taken longer than I thought so I headed straight over to the testing center realizing I wouldn't have enough time to work out before my meeting. And that made me upset because apparently it was really obvious now that I needed to work out. Anyway, I took my test, feeling pretty confident about it, only to find out at the end that I got a 73% on it. Granted, there were only 33 questions so the more you missed the faster your grade dropped. But I got a 73%. I got a C on a test. And if you know me then you know that anything lower than a B is pretty much death. That was the lowest grade I had EVER gotten on a test before in my entire school life. So yeah, the day just kept getting better and better.
Well I told myself on the way home that I wasn't going to eat anything for the rest of the day and maybe a few days after that because I obviously didn't need to eat. I went to my work meeting and then came home and did homework for the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about what my teacher said to me. And the more I thought about it the angrier and more upset I got. I hated myself and I had absolutely no confidence or self respect.
It was hard to concentrate on anything because I was sad and hungry. I wouldn't let myself cry because then everyone would know something was wrong and I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it (except of course Jordan and my parents).
Did my teacher know that I had been struggling with my weight and self-esteem for the last 8 years?
Did she know that I couldn't eat ANYTHING without feeling guilty or bad about myself?
Did she know that I only liked wearing sweats and t-shirts because I didn't feel confident enough to wear clothes that might have showed my curves a little?
Did she know that I cried myself to sleep most nights because I was disgusted with myself?
Did she know that I felt hopeless and trapped about trying to lose weight and get in shape?
Did she know that I couldn't even walk through campus or look at Facebook without comparing myself and wishing I looked differently?
Did she know that I hate how my stomach looks and that it's what I'm self-conscious about the most?
Did she know that I have six younger sisters who I have to set an example for and try to stay positive for so they won't grow up messed up like me?
Did she know that I fight this same battle with myself EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Did she even know anything about me?
No. She knew nothing. And that's why she didn't even think before calling me out. That's why her ignorant, inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate comment completely destroyed me. That whole day I kept thinking, "Am I really that fat? Am I actually bigger than I think I am? Do people see something completely different than what I see? Could I really be considered an obese person?"
Some days I do really well. Some days I don't care what people think about me and I actually love myself. But then I think that I shouldn't be allowed to be content with myself because there's so much I need to change and if I'm content then nothing will change. Some days I really believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful and I realize I have nothing to complain about because I'm actually a pretty healthy person. But then the battle begins again and those feelings are gone.
Now I need to explain that I've actually gotten a lot better in the last couple years. When this battle started in middle school (like it does for most people) it was terrible. Just ask my parents. They've been fighting this battle with me and they've seen the destruction. Thinking about what I've put them through makes me cry every time because they don't deserve it. They are the best parents I could ask for and I made raising me probably one of the most difficult things they can think of.
And now that I'm getting married in less than three months the struggle is becoming more real again. Jordan tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how much he loves everything about me and I really believe him. But I still want to be my best self for him and I want to feel confident during our marriage. But with all the stress of nursing school I make excuses and tell myself that I don't have time to exercise and that I can eat whatever I want because I'm under a lot of stress and good food makes me happy. If you know me you know how much I love children and babies. But I'm extremely hesitant to have children because of what it could do to my body. And I know that's extremely selfish but I'm just being honest. If I already look like this without having had any babies then it's only gonna get worse after I have children.
Now after reading all of that you probably think I have some serious mental and emotional and psychological issues. And your'e probably right. But I know I'm not the only who feels or has felt this way before. And maybe someone who has struggled with the same thing can find some comfort in knowing they're not alone either. I really am trying to do better. When I get those negative and damaging thoughts I try to tell Satan to go away because I know those thoughts aren't from God. I'm trying to become stronger in resisting Satan's influence and better in letting Heavenly Father in. I'm trying to believe it when people do compliment me.
I'm trying to love me for me. God doesn't make mistakes. It's not possible for him to make mistakes. Sometimes I tell myself that as the first child in my family and as the test dummy I got all the mistakes and problems but I know that's not true. I am not a mistake. I was sent here for a specific reason. I was given this body for a specific purpose. I am who I am for a reason and I shouldn't question God because He knows everything and He sees the bigger picture. I need to trust Him and my parents and my family and my soon-to-be husband when they try to help.
I am so grateful for this Gospel and for the people in my life. I know they were put in my life for a reason because I would be completely lost without them and without the Gospel. I know that through Christ I can do all things and I will win this battle. I will come out stronger and I will love myself. It will definitely take a lot of prayer and work and faith but it is possible. I won't let someone's comments determine my self-worth. I will let God's love for me determine my self-worth.
I've got a long way to go but I'm getting there. One day at a time.
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