The nice thing about having a blog is that I can write out my feelings here and resist punching someone in the face. Okay I know that sounds harsh and I'm really not that violent I promise. But I needed to get these feelings out so I don't explode.
I just got home from work about 40 minutes ago, changed into some comfy clothes and got on the computer, starting my nightly routine of checking Facebook, email, I-learn and my school email. Everything was fine until I got on Facebook and saw something that really, really disturbed me. It was one of those random things where a friend of mine liked a link of their friend, so that link showed up on my newsfeed. Crazy how Facebook works right? Well I was curious so I read that status and almost started crying. I'm not kidding. The post was about someone who was dropping out of BYU and sending in their resignation later to the LDS church. That part was sad, but the rest of the post made my stomach drop. This person said, "I feel so free right now, like a burden has been lifted from my shoulders."
WHAT?!?!?! And then I read the comments (because apparently I love torturing myself) and all of them were saying how proud they were of this person, how much they disliked BYU and how supportive they were of this person's decision. It broke my heart. And I don't even know this person!
It blows my mind how a person who has tasted the sweetness of the Gospel, has felt the love of Christ, has witnessed the power of the Holy Ghost could ever want to leave and "free" themselves of the true Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Granted, I don't know this person and I don't know their situation so I'm not judging them. I'm just sad...sad that this person couldn't fully comprehend the joy that comes from the Gospel. I'm sad because I know how wonderful this Gospel is. But Satan also knows and that's why he tries soooo hard to convince us that it's not worth the effort. He wants us to think the Church and its standards are restrictive and controlling, limiting our freedom. Therefore, leaving the Church would open ourselves to more freedom and more fun. But he couldn't be more wrong. Through studying the scriptures, we know that Satan's plan may be more "liberating" in the beginning, but it will actually be more restricting in the end. Yes, it's hard sometimes to follow God. Yes, those of us in the church might not choose to do things that other people do. But believe it or not, the Church doesn't come up with the standards. God does. And He knows that those standards and guidelines will bring us the most happiness and the most freedom when faithfully obeyed. It's also important to remember that the people of the Church aren't perfect, but the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints IS perfect, because it's headed by Christ Himself.
We are given agency as a gift. And it's completely up to each individual how they decide to use it. So if a person decides to leave the Church, that is their decision. But I can also exercise my agency and choose to be sad over that decision. I can choose to stay in the Church. And you can choose to support whatever decision you want. But my mind is made up and I will spend the rest of my life trying to be a good example of a follower of Jesus Christ. And that's my decision.
Rant over. Thanks for listening.
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you will look back and realize they were the big things" -unknown
Agreed. One of the worst feelings I've ever felt is knowing a friend who strayed, then her husband was baptized, they were sealed in the Temple, and then she strayed away again. It's heartbreaking to see where she is now pretending that she's better off without the sweetness the Gospel of Jesus Christ brings.
ReplyDeleteI completely agree that a person would have to pretend to be happy without the Gospel in their lives. I don't understand how life would be better without it. But maybe that's just my naïve side. Either way, it still breaks my heart.
DeleteI didn't hit the notify me button because blogger keeps changing it up... ;)
ReplyDeleteI would like to share a little perspective on this in the hopes that it might be helpful in understanding others. There are a variety of reasons that people stop believing in the church and decide to leave. We can assume all sorts of things but we really don't know what those are unless we talk to them, ask and listen. We may not be able to fully appreciate their reasons since we aren't them but when someone leaves their faith it can be a very painful decision and not one done lightly. In the Mormon church leaving the faith is especially difficult and impacts all of your relationships and many future events you will share with family/friends. It's a big deal and the person who leaves has probably thought through all of those things - leaving the church may not be the easy solution...it may actually cause more difficulty so if they have decided to do this it means it's important enough to them to live with the difficulty. It's difficult for members to understand this and realize how hard this can be.
ReplyDeleteThere are millions of people in the world who are not Mormon and who are truly happy. Members are taught that true happiness comes with living the gospel so they assume that those outside the church can't really be happy. It must be temporary or false happiness. That's not the reality for many people all over the world who are still living their lives as moral/ethical people and having the same ups/downs as Mormons. People who leave the church aren't faking their happiness and they will be hard times and good times just like everybody else.
Everybody who leaves the church is not denying they had experiences in their lives that they referred to as spiritual and from the Holy Ghost. Many of those people remember those experiences very fondly and continue to have times where they feel similar things after leaving the church. What's changed is their definition/perception of what those experiences were and why they had them. They have a different perspective and what made them feel those emotions of love/happiness/contentment/support/reassurance/inspiration.
It's understandable that members feel sadness when someone leaves the church because with their perspective that is a sad thing. That's OK to feel that way privately or with someone else who shares your beliefs. What's not healthy is to tell the people who have left the church/have doubts or different perspectives/beliefs that you are sad or ache for them. In essence you are saying you are sad/ache for the person that they have chosen to be and the choices they are making. It's pretty hard to know how to respond to that and typically not helpful for the relationship. If someone from a different faith or a non-religious person said they were sad or ached for Mormons who believed and followed their feelings about the church that would be viewed as inappropriate/anti/aggressive. It would be nice if members recognized this.
My hope is in sharing this that it helps you step back and consider the perspective of those who are leaving or no longer believe. All of us want to know how to have healthier relationships with each other. All of us want love/support and acceptance. None of us want people to make assumptions about why we choose the things we do in our lives.
It's never up to you to decipher if other people are happy or not. Leaving the church has been the best decision and led to the most happiness many people have ever had. It has strengthened families and expanded the love in people's life beyond measure. It is not pretending; it is real, lasting, authentic happiness. Until you are someone else, you have no right to discount the validity of their experiences, spiritual answers, and the happiness that life outside of the church has brought them. Try to open your eyes and realize that life, closeness to god, and happiness is not nearly as limited in scope as this post (or the church) suggests. I am much closer to God now than I was before and I wouldn't have thought that possible while still in the church. Where I am now is the purest, most happy, and loving type of closeness I have ever experienced and I was a very devout mormon, served a mission, married in the temple, followed all of the rules, and studied my scriptures in depth, and served selflessly in all of my many callings. The same way that you feel it is silly for people to think you couldn't be happy within the confines of the church is the same inappropriate assumption that you're making for people outside of the church. Enjoy what you have, hold it close and cherish it all you want, but do not project your own experiences on others to invalidate what they have found.
ReplyDeleteI am not trying to discount or argue with the way someone feels or the decisions they've made. As stated in the post, each of us has agency and I completely respect that. But like I said, it's my choice if I want to feel sad. I am not judging or damning the person because I don't have that right and it's not the Christlike thing to do. If a person is happy with their life then that's great because everyone deserves to be happy! And I also understand that a person could be happy without the Gospel. I'm only sad because I know what makes me fully and deeply happy, and I wish everyone else in the world could feel that same complete happiness. Of course I understand that everyone has their personal reasons for doing things which is perfectly fine! That is between the person and God. But I'm still going to love and accept a person because that's what Christ would do, and that's who I'm trying to be like.
DeleteFrom comment#1) I completely agree that a person would have to pretend to be happy without the Gospel in their lives.
DeleteFrom Comment #2) And I also understand that a person could be happy without the Gospel.
I'm sorry. Now I'm confused.
For the record, I was fine with your original post. Hey, I get it. I used to be there. But your first comment really did seem kinda patronizing to me.
It may be that words are getting mixed up then: Help me understand what you mean by this "I'm just sad...sad that this person couldn't fully comprehend the joy that comes from the Gospel. I'm sad because I know how wonderful this Gospel is." What this says to me when I read it is you are saying that they couldn't understand/appreciate that the gospel could bring them joy. How do you know this? This was written by a BYU Student so they've had lots of time to feel joy in their life. Are you saying they just don't get it? This sentence is written in a way that tends to invalidate this persons experience. They just couldn't comprehend it. It also implies that joy comes from the gospel and so if you aren't living the gospel you won't have joy. Your sentence that "He knows that those standards and guidelines will bring us the most happiness and the most freedom when faithfully obeyed." implies that since you believe God is directing the Mormon church that living the church's standards/guidelines are what brings the "most" happiness. You also say "I also understand that a person could be happy without the Gospel. I'm only sad because I know what makes me fully and deeply happy, and I wish everyone else in the world could feel that same complete happiness." What you are saying in essence is those who don't follow the Mormon interpretation of God's standards/guidelines won't have as much happiness (it's not as complete as your happiness). Can you see how this comes across to others? Can you see how other people who no longer believe/are non-religious/of other faiths feel like you are saying the can't be as happy as Mormons are and why Lori would feel like she needed to express that she is fully happy now. She's trying to help you understand that she's having an experience different than yours and it's just as valid - her happiness is just as real as yours.
DeleteSteve- yes I realized I made that same mistake. After reading people's comments I was reminded that a person doesn't necessarily have to pretend to be happy without the Gospel because there are a LOT of good, moral people out there who live happy lives without the Gospel. This post wasn't meant to offend. I was just exercising my agency and since I'm not perfect I made a mistake. But I'm continually trying to improve myself and that's what matters.
DeleteAlison- yes I completely understand how this post could sound to some people. But my intentions are good and honest. I'm not trying to discount anyone's happiness, so if a person decides to interpret it a different way that's their decision. And if we're being honest here, then I honestly believe that the Gospel of Jesus Christ is the only thing on earth that could make a person COMPLETELY happy. That's my testimony based on my own personal feelings and experiences.
DeleteJessica - I understand and respect that you feel that way - it's what you've been taught and so it makes sense to you. Your experience in the church has brought you happiness and you've been told that it's the only thing on earth that could make a person completely happy. What I'm trying to help you understand is it's important to clarify those statements as your beliefs and experiences and recognize they don't others. People raised jewish/catholic/muslim/evangelist/etc have all been taught their beliefs will bring them happiness and that God is pleased with them when they follow/obey. They are all living lives and many of them feel what they would define as moments of true/complete happiness (as well as down times I'm sure). Saying to other people that they can't possibly be as happy as you and won't experience true/complete happiness since they don't share your beliefs is just not a loving/respectful way of looking at the world. It paints you saying you are RIGHT and they are misguided/wrong/uncomprehending..... it just doesn't work well as we interact with each other. I'm going to make the assumption that if the roles were reversed you would get a little uncomfortable with someone telling you that and actually believing that about you.
DeleteI'm sure your intentions are good and honest - I don't doubt that one bit. I hope you believe I'm also trying to be honest in sharing the things I have written. I'm doing it with an intent to help you perhaps step outside of yourself and view it from someone else's perspective. I appreciate that you have responded and engaged.
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ReplyDeleteI have NO doubt that you are a kind, loving person and that this post was written from a place of love and outreach and sincere heartache for those who leave the church. I also don't doubt that you feel that you have the most complete form of happiness out there. I'm just here to tell you that other people do too. This comment?
ReplyDelete"I completely agree that a person would have to pretend to be happy without the Gospel in their lives. I don't understand how life would be better without it. But maybe that's just my naïve side. Either way, it still breaks my heart."
... this is the kicker. It is not pretend. Perhaps there are some pretenders? But there are thousands of people pretending to be happy as mormons as well. I wasn't pretending while I was mormon (I truly was happy), but I definitely know many people who are putting up a happy face even though the gospel does not bring them the happiness that it promises them. This isn't an assumption on my part; these are my friends and family members who are verbally telling me this. So there are people in both boats who are pretending. There are also people in both mormon and exmormon boats though that are absolutely at one with God, who feel that they have the full truth with surety, and that they have a truth that is worth sharing with others to bring them equal happiness. I would give anything to have a conversation with a mormon who would let me talk about the happiness I have found, the truths that I have uncovered, and how it has benefited my life, friends' lives, and my family's life in unmeasurable ways and that it is paving the path for a sustainable, over the top happy future. The thing is is that NO mormon would ever believe a word of what I say is true because their church teaches them that *I cannot exist*. But that's on them. I know it's true and it's a beautiful message worth sharing. It is of love and happiness, family unity, and a closeness to God. That doesn't mean that you believe and have those things as well. It just means that there are many terms by which those things can be obtained. Authentic, real, godly happiness. No joke! For reals! Be happy for people when they leave the church if they are happy in the change. Value that they are growing and changing and finding new joy. If they *were* happier and closer to god in the church, then please believe that they wouldn't have left it. Don't assume that they just weren't being mormon right, obedient enough, or didn't understand the gospel fully and that is why they were tricked or tempted to leave. God speaks to people and reveals to them that there is a better path for them than the mormon church. He shows it to them, and holds their hands as they start new lives. Don't be sad for them, they have not all lost God. Many of them have finally found him; now just with different (equally valuable) vision.
Jess, I love you. I am happy that you vented on your blog. Its a place where people who love and care about you get a look into your heart. :) I love you. To everyone else commenting, please don't bash. You can go to your own blog and vent there. But really, this is not the place to have a religious debate. Let it go. Everyone has their own opinion and that's fine. It doesn't mean you need put all your comments and write lengthy rebuttals on her blog to "open Jess' eyes" and help her see a more "neutral" or "open-minded" approach . I know Jess. She is one of the most understanding and open-minded people I know. If something she said offended you, I know it was unintentional. She was talking about HER experience. What SHE felt. Because you aren't her, it isn't really fair to judge her. There is no need to share your "wisdom" with her. Its good to have an opinion. Its great to express your views. But seriously, don't do it on my friend's blog. Its not your place.
ReplyDeleteJules, I can't tell you how much your comment means to me and how much I love you! You just said everything I've wanted to say but didn't know how to beautifully! I'm so grateful to have you as my best friend who understands me--and my intentions--perfectly. You really are the best. Thank you so much for sharing your voice of love and acceptance. Love you!
DeleteJessie, what are sisters for?:) I love you and that's what matters right?:) You are wonderful and don't you ever forget it! Stay strong. I love you!
DeleteHey there I finally figured out how to leave a reply! Never to late to teach an old dog....yada yada!
ReplyDeletepeople have been having this conversation since Adam and Eve left the garden....Satan whispers in our ears constantly to "discover for ourselves what makes us happy." and, as he always does, he mixes gospel truth with the philosophies of man. He teaches that truth is a ever-evolving concept that changes with time and is unique to the individual. Christ came to teach the truth as a never-changing constant foundation we can build a sure foundation on and then commanded that those truths be taught to everyone else. Once we hear the truth it is up to us to "experiment upon the word" Lehi's dream of the tree of life explains it all perfectly the types of reactions people will have to the truth....some taste it and latch onto it and hold on...some taste..enjoy for a time..and leave...some taste and find it to harsh while others never make it to the tree at all. Even Lehi was heartbroken when people chose to leave. The Savior asked his own "will ye go away also" We are supposed to stay..that is the plan however the gospel door swings both ways.
This gospel does have the fullness of all things that Heavenly Father wants to give his children so yes it does hurt when someone leaves. This is the only church on the earth with the priesthood and the power of God to save his children! It is the only church on the earth with the saving power of the temple ordinances! So yes it is a bold declaration we make to the world and all other religions and people that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the only True Church! We don't apologize for this declaration...Christ never apologized for the truth and mandated that we take it to all the world. We respect all religions that teach good doctrine and who do good things to benefit others yet we invite them to bring those truth and let us add to them. Some will taste and choose to leave. That is a fact...The Atonement has power to save and bring them back so in that we find hope they will one day return.
I love you for declaring boldly your testimony......yes your mother and I took you to church and taught you a way of life based on our own beliefs but you now stand independent, on your own testimony and it is a beautiful thing to see. I am proud of you. Dad
You really have a way with words, Dad and I'm so proud to be your daughter! I will share my testimony boldly and proudly for the rest of my life because I love this Gospel. Thank you for sharing your wisdom and support. I love you Dad!
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