To My Parents

In honor of Father's Day, I want to dedicate this blog post to both of my parents and to all they've done for me in my short life. They've been there from before day one and I know I'll be able to count on both of them forever. Sure, like every other child and their parents we've had our disagreements, scuffles and frustrations. But in the last few years as I've lived away from home and truly started to realize how much they mean to me, we've had some pretty great times and grown a lot closer.

My dad. I have never looked up to a man in my life more than I have my dad. He is everything I wanted in a husband (and thankfully I found the perfect man to fulfill that) and he still inspires me today. In fact, that's why I went into the nursing field. He is an avid gardener, a quality he inherited from the men in his life and one I hope to teach my children as well. On Saturday mornings I knew exactly where I could find him and I would sometimes get up early just so I could spend some alone time with him outside. He is also a dedicated journal-writer which is something I look up to very much and he inspired me to write in my journal every single day for almost two years in a row. He inspired me to play softball and worked with me when I couldn't slide into bases (still can't actually but that's okay). Dad has always put his family first. Yes, there were times when he would have to leave a family activity to help at the hospital or the fire station, but other than that he was always spending time with us and Mom. He took us camping as much as possible, and even built a fire pit in the backyard for those fun summer night campfires and s'mores. I know I can always bug him with a medical question when I have one and I can always count on him to make me smile with a cheesy joke or embarrassing Facebook comment. He's taught me to stop complaining so much and focus more on the positive (especially when it comes to school), because things will work out as long as I stay close to God. He's taught me the importance of keeping an orderly home and I've always tried to please him with taking my housework seriously and cleaning when I could. There's a reason God gave him all girls to raise: he is the strongest yet most sensitive man I know. (I mean, how many dads out there make homemade bread and sing karaoke Elvis songs?) He has all the necessary talents and qualities to raise up righteous mothers and he has set a perfect example of how men should treat women. He perfectly fulfills his responsibilities as a father and a priesthood holder to protect, preside and provide for his family. God knew I needed him as my father and I'm so grateful to know our family will be together forever.

My mom. First off, if I can ever be half the woman, wife and mother my mom is, then I'll know I'm doing something right. Mom literally does everything. She works a part-time job, attends every single sporting event and choir or band concert, participates in PTA, serves in the ward Relief Society presidency, makes homemade pizza like every other week (which is at least a three hour process every time), babysits for other families, goes above and beyond in visiting teaching, all the while maintaining a spiritual home that everyone loves to visit. Seriously, my friends LOVED coming over to my house and I was never embarrassed or ashamed to have them over. Oh and did I mention she has seven daughters to love and nurture as well? Mom is Wonder Woman. Need I say more? Many people often comment on how much I look like her and that is one of the best compliments I could ever receive because my mother is the most beautiful woman--inside and out--that I know. She still went to college in Hawaii even when her friend bailed at the last minute and even decided to serve a mission for the church. Thank goodness she listened to the spirit because that's how she met Dad and that's how I came to be. (She and Dad are also the reason I decided to pursue Spanish classes in middle school and high school. They know everything!) Mom's wide range of musical talent has inspired me to explore mine as well. How many women out there can beautifully sing soprano, alto AND tenor parts? Because of her I wasn't afraid to step up and help out the tenors in my high school jazz choir. She has taught me that there is no limit to what I can do and I should be proud of my talents. She also inspired me to continue with piano lessons. Did you know she can still play the Charlie Brown theme song? After teaching piano lessons to many different people for several years, I can still remember how peaceful and happy I felt when Mom would play beautiful piano music after we went to bed.  She literally devotes all of her time and energy 24/7 to her family which has made the biggest difference in my life. She is the perfect example of a righteous stay-at-home mother that I wish to emulate when I too become a mother. She has one of the strongest testimonies of the Gospel and anyone who meets her can see Christ in her countenance. I know her life hasn't always been easy, but she has never given up and I admire her strength more than I could ever say. She is everything I want to become and exactly how I want to live my life.

So after presenting all of this evidence, the only viable conclusion is that I have the greatest parents on earth. Of course they aren't perfect, but my sisters and I certainly aren't perfect children so that doesn't help. But they are about as close to celestial parenting as parents could get. Although I didn't necessarily believe it while I was growing up, I now know that everything they do is inspired by love for their children as well as a spiritual commitment to their responsibilities from God. Gosh, I feel like there's so much more I could say to brag about them because my heart is extremely full of love and gratitude. But if you know my parents then you know exactly what I'm talking about. I'm not sure what I did to deserve such wonderful people as my eternal earthly parents. But whatever the reason, I'm working to someday repay them for their daily sacrifices and prove to them how much I love them. So I'm hoping this blog post is one step closer to proving that love and appreciation.

I love you, Mom and Dad.

The Intimate Side of Marriage

In the last couple of lessons in my family college class, we've been discussing important marital topics like how to become the best spouse and then how to continue that throughout marriage. Many people believe that once a couple gets married, then they don't have to try as hard because that's the highest ordinance we can perform on earth. But this is extremely untrue. If we want our marriages to last FOREVER, then it is even more important to work even harder after the wedding ceremony. This is probably cheesy, but there's a quote I found on Pinterest that I love and try to remember everyday:

Now obviously, this is true for both spouses because marriage is a team effort and requires commitment from both people. Before marriage, we should be spending our time and focusing our decisions on becoming the kind of spouse we want to marry. And after the wedding, we should continue to spend our time and focus our decisions on making our spouse happy and bringing each other closer to Christ. Marriage is a time to grow, not only individually, but as a couple united in a common goal of eternal happiness with our families.

One way to grow closer to our spouses--as well as to Christ--is through physical intimacy. I know that might sound weird, but when seen through a spiritual perspective it can be a powerful tool of happiness. A misconception that I want to address is the idea that physical intimacy within marriage only means sexual intercourse. If that were true, then I'm sure there would be a lot more couples unsatisfied with their marriages. Physical intimacy is a way for couples to literally become one flesh, as well as an outward expression and gesture of their love and affection for each other. Intimacy can mean kind, thoughtful words, a sincere hug, a passionate kiss, holding hands, sitting close to each other, loving looks and so forth. As a couple puts in honest effort to make physical intimacy a daily part of their marriage, they realize the true joy that comes from putting their spouse's needs first and start to grasp the unconditional love that our Heavenly Father and his Son have for each of us. These two realizations are keys to a happy and successful marriage. When used for the sacred and special purposes God intended between a man and a woman lawfully wedded, physical intimacy brings about greater blessings and happiness than we could have ever imagined. People who understand this concept recognize that physical intimacy is thus a capstone, not a foundation, for marital relationships. It becomes the delicious cream cheese frosting to a moist chocolate cake. Doesn't that sound wonderful?

So for the rest of this blog post, I just want to share some quotes about marriage that have touched me and continue to inspire me to be the best wife I can be for Jordan. Maybe one of them will stick out to you and renew that spark of love or add a touch of positive encouragement in an otherwise negative world. Enjoy!

Equality: To Be or Not to Be

So for this blog post, I wanted to just share some things I've learned about marriage in the last six weeks as well as some insights from my current family class at the college. We've recently been studying what it means to have an "equal partnership" in marriage which has become quite a hot touchy topic in today's society. Looking back in the last century, it's apparent to historians and ordinary citizens alike that there has been a major shift in the relationships between men and women. So here are a few of my thoughts (whether you agree with them or not) as we delve into this topic.

First off, I think it's important to define the term "equality." Many people unfortunately and incorrectly believe the word "equal" to mean "identical," but this is inaccurate. If these two terms were in fact synonymous, then according to what God himself has taught us, men and women who were created equally would have to thus be identical in every way: identical in emotions, physical features, thoughts, desires, characteristics, likes, dislikes, etc. Obviously this is untrue because we've all recognized differences between men and women.

According to dictionary.com (one of my favorite go-to resources) the word "equal" has the following definitions:
1. as great as
2. like or alike in quantity, degree, value; of the same rank, ability, merit
3. evenly proportioned or balanced
From a Gospel perspective, the term "equal" means: "equal in blessings; equal in power, intelligence, wisdom, dignity, respect, giving counsel, giving consent, agency, value, potential, authority, exalted fullness, virtue, spirituality and spiritual gifts; equal heirs with Christ" (Successful Marriages and Families). That is a beautiful way of looking at it in my opinion because it applies to ALL of God's children, regardless of race, gender, religion, etc.

Today, many women feel they need to be "identical" to men in every way, including career opportunities, education, monetary benefits and power or political influence. And yes, this is possible, especially with the improvements we have made in society. But as mentioned before, men and women weren't meant to be identical. That would completely contradict God's plan for His children! Men and women were created equal in God's sight, equal in opportunities for growth and potential, and equal in opportunities for blessings and happiness.

Here's another doctrinal food for thought. Those who believe in the Council in Heaven that took place before we were born also believe that those of us who came to earth are here with physical bodies because we accepted God's Plan of Happiness, including the trials and tests that would come with it. To expand on that thought, President James E. Faust, an apostle of God, explained that, "Before we were born, male and female, we made certain commitments and agreed to come to this earth with great, rich, but different gifts." Whether a person is a Mormon doesn't matter in this case. Anyone living on the earth today--regardless of religious affiliation--made those same commitments and agreements before they were born. They understood the unique responsibilities that came with each gender and agreed to fulfill them. This is an extremely important concept to understand  and remember especially in today's confused society. Another apostle of God explained that, "Our Heavenly Father endowed His sons and daughters with unique traits especially fitted for their individual responsibilities as they fulfill His plan" (Richard G. Scott). When we view things through The Plan of Salvation and with an eternal perspective, we realize that trying to be equal in careers or power doesn't really matter as much as raising a righteous and eternal family because that's what the Plan is really all about.

Another misconception is that men and women are either completely dependent on each other or completely independent of each other and neither of those beliefs are true. In reality, men and women are actually interdependent of each other and I am so grateful for that! I'm sure I could live the rest of my life alone and single and still be happy and successful in worldly aspects. But just in the last six weeks, I've learned that I could never be as happy alone as I am being married to my best friend because those eternal commitments I made have brought more blessings than I could have possibly imagined. Now, it's obviously different between someone who doesn't have the opportunity to marry in this life and someone who intentionally chooses not to get married. But those people can still have quality relationships with the opposite gender that bring about blessings as well.

One of my favorite quotes concerning this topic comes from President Spencer W. Kimball, a former prophet of God, who said, "In his wisdom and mercy, our Father made men and women dependent on each other for the full flowering of their potential. Because their natures are somewhat different, the can complement each other; because they are in many ways alike, they can understand each other. Let neither envy the other for their differences; let both discern what is superficial and what is beautifully basic in those differences and act accordingly."  I have seen this eternal truth in my own marriage and couldn't agree more. Jordan brings out my strengths and makes up for my weaknesses. He perfectly complements and completes me in ways I never thought of. Sure, we have different responsibilities and qualities. He provides for our family by going to work everyday and I nurture our family by cooking, cleaning and providing a safe environment for the Spirit to reside. And to some people those responsibilities may not seem "equal" in difficulty of effort. What matters is that we both feel appreciated and balanced in our efforts and that we both have equal opportunities to fulfill our responsibilities and prove to God that we are grateful for those opportunities of growth.

I know there is so much more that could be said on this topic, considering it's been a huge topic of debate and legislation in the last 60 years or so, but those are my main thoughts on it. To sum up, each of us would do well to recognize and understand the different--but equally great and equally important--responsibilities and qualities that come with our gender and realize that now is the time to prove our loyalty to God and His plan. After all, it's called the Plan of Happiness for a reason.

                               

Our Happily Ever After

So in honor of our one month wedding anniversary, I thought it would be fun to write a blog post about the wedding! I honestly can't believe we've been married for a month now. It's gone by really fast but at the same time, it feels like it's been forever because of everything that's happened within the last month. Anyone else know what I'm talking about? Anyway, our wedding was definitely the best day of my life and I could relive it over and over again.

Friday, April 11 in Salt Lake City

Jordan, Chanel, his mom and I got up early to head over to the church to start decorating for the luncheon and the reception. Eventually, his grandpa and aunt and uncle joined us to help setting up. Jordan and Chanel hung up lights and tulle on the ceiling and the rest of us ironed like a million chair covers. Then around noon, my family finally showed up! It was so good to see them again considering we hadn't see them since Christmas.Thanks to the army of help (one of the nice things about a big family...) and the music blasting in the background, we were able to finish decorating by five o'clock. It looked beautiful. I had always promised myself that I would NEVER have my wedding reception in a church gym since I thought that looked really tacky--no offense. But after considering the small budget we had and how beautiful Jordan's previous church building was, I finally came to terms with having the reception in a gym. And you know what? It was perfect. I loved it and it looked really classy. 

After leaving the church, I gathered all of my stuff from Jordan's house, kissed him goodbye for the last time, and headed to the hotel for the bachelorette party that Jenna had planned. We ordered like five pizzas from pizza hut and Jenna bought all my favorite gummy candies! We watched a little of Whose Line is it Anyway? on TV (it was actually quite funny and fitting for a bachelorette party since it had quite a few stripper references but that's beside the point) and then went down to the hot tub/pool. After that, we came back to the room to watch Bride Wars and paint our nails. But by that point I was actually really tired from everything and was ready for bed--it was only 10:30 and I'm pretty sure that was the earliest I had gone to bed since high school. Plus, I was also pretty nervous for the next morning so I didn't want to stay up any longer than I had to. But all in all, it was a great day with my family and best friends.

Saturday, April 12

I couldn't sleep very well during the night (I wonder why) so I woke up right away when my alarm went off at seven. I was finally able to wake Jenna up around 7:30 so she could work her magic and do my hair. It's always a little hard for me to let other people do my hair or makeup but I trusted Jenna and knew she would do a great job since we pretty much have the exact same taste and style. I did my makeup while she did my hair and tried to eat a little breakfast but wasn't too successful. I think I only had one bite of cold pizza since I was so nervous and excited. Jordan came to the hotel around nine, I packed everything I would need at the temple, and then my mom, dad and I carpooled with Jordan to the temple. Since our wedding was scheduled for 11 am, we had to be at the temple at 9:30 along with a thousand other people who were getting married that day haha. But I honestly didn't care that there were so many people. All I cared about was that Jordan and I were getting married in the Salt Lake Temple and all of our family and friends would be there to celebrate with us. 

After checking in and signing some paperwork, Jordan and I parted ways until we would meet up again for the ceremony. And can I also throw in that I absolutely LOVE the Salt Lake Temple?! I definitely need to go again in order to cherish it a little more (since the whole day was pretty rushed) but I love what I was able to experience. While Jordan and I were waiting in the celestial room, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming appreciation for the early Latter-day Saints and everything they sacrificed to build that special temple. Oh and guess what? At one point while we were waiting, Elder L. Tom Perry was standing right in front of us! We didn't get to talk to him or anything but it was still cool to only be like a foot away from an Apostle of God.

And now for the ceremony. As soon as I walked into the sealing room and saw our closest friends and family, I had to stop myself from bursting into tears right there. It was so beautiful to see them all there supporting Jordan and me in this eternal decision. I tried to look around the room at their smiling faces as many times as I could so I would remember it forever. The words of the ceremony touched my heart and I will never forget the powerful Spirit I felt in those short 20ish minutes. In fact, it makes me want to cry just typing this right now. I know there were spirits there from the other side celebrating with us as well, including my Grandpa Shaftoe and Great-Grandpa Amos and Jordan's grandparents who had also passed on. I can't say it enough. It was beautiful. As we knelt across the altar holding hands, I had done pretty well up to that point with controlling my emotions. But as soon as the sealer announced that we were eternally sealed as husband and wife, I couldn't help it anymore and I let the tears flow. It was the moment I had been picturing and waiting for for so long and it had finally happened. We were finally married for time and all eternity and I was finally Mrs. Stewart. I couldn't have been any happier than I was at that moment. We exchanged rings and then stood by the altar while everyone in the room took turns giving us hugs. It was so sweet and I felt so much love for every single person in that room. I honestly could not stop smiling. Oh and the best part was that I could finally call Jordan my husband. That was pretty awesome. I just loved everything about the ceremony and I pray that I'll never forget it.

After I changed and touched up my hair and makeup, I met up with my husband (I just love saying it now that I can) before going outside. And then we had that special Mormon moment where we walked through the doors and threw our arms up in the air while everyone cheered and clapped. Of course, Temple Square was extremely crowded since one of the temple workers told me there were about 80 different weddings that day, so we pretty much had to fight for spots and time to take pictures. But it was still really fun even amongst all the chaos. We took windy pictures for about an hour and a half (during which we ran into some of Alex's mission leaders who gave us a gift from her and took some pictures...it was really sweet) and then headed over to the church for the luncheon. We had a Cafe Rio type set-up for the food and then we passed around the microphone so people could share stories or say things about Jordan and me. We cried, we laughed, we got embarrassed. It was a ton of fun but unfortunately Jordan and I had to go to the hotel while everyone else was cleaning up in order to...um...pick up some papers Jenna forgot to grab... But don't worry, we made it back in time for the reception. 

The reception was great. We had a large flood of guests come between six and seven and it was fun to shake hands and hug everyone, strangers and friends and all. By 7:30 we started the festivities, like cutting the cake (yes we did smash it into each other's face), tossing the bouquet (which Sammie caught the first time and Jenna caught the second time. We had a redo since it hit the ceiling the first time), throwing the Broncos garter (creative eh? Grandma Shaftoe made it) and then the first dance. I wanted to add a little personal family touch into the first dance, so I had my sisters sing our song "Two is Better than One" while we danced. It was so cute and sweet and I'm really glad they did it. I also had a blast dancing with my dad to "Open Arms" by Journey. That was a special moment too. Then we started the dancing and let me tell you, we had some gooood songs on the playlist. It was so much fun dancing crazy with friends and family. Finally, Jordan and I decided to leave around 9 as we made our way through a line of sparklers towards our plastic-wrapped, painted car covered in lubricant. Yeah. But those are Jordan's friends for you haha. We said our goodbyes, gave hugs to our families and set off to begin our happily ever after.

Many people looking back say they would change this or that or want to redo their own wedding if they could. But not me. I thought it was perfect in every way, from the crazy crowded temple down to the very last bobby pin in my hair (and trust me there were a lot). Yes, we have a ton of pictures and even some cake pops leftover as reminders of the wedding. But the best part? I got an eternal souvenir that will never fade or run out. And he happens to be sitting next to me right now :)

P.S. I wanted to post more pictures on here but there are wayyy too many. So they will be posted on Facebook soon!

The Ends Justify the Means

While talking with my dad recently, he noticed that I haven't updated my blog for awhile. And I guess he's right since my last post was in January and it's March already. Holy cow, time seems to go by so fast these days. But that's perfectly fine with me because sometimes it doesn't seem to go fast enough.

Well, I only have 5 weeks left in my second semester of the nursing program and only 40 days left until the wedding AND I CAN'T WAIT. Literally, I have almost zero patience left. I would be okay if I woke up tomorrow and it was April already. I'm so ready to be married to Jordan and so ready to have this long distance thing over. But these last few weeks have made it pretty obvious to me that I'm not the only one counting down to the wedding.

Satan is pulling out all the stops now and using anything he can find to ruin this wedding. He also knows how much I want this marriage and how important it is in the eternal perspective. And he would just love to see it not happen. He's trying to cause relationship conflict. He's trying to discourage my self-esteem and body image. He's trying to mix up my priorities. He's trying to stress me out and all of these efforts have intensified in the last week. Sometimes I feel like he's going to win because I don't feel strong enough to fight him. And it certainly doesn't help that Jordan and I can't join forces and fight against him together. Like I said, stupid long distance. But I have God on my side and I know that with his help I can get through these next 40 days. I have one goal right now and that is to marry my best friend in the temple for time and all eternity. And I won't let anything or anyone get in the way. I love Jordan. I love my parents and my sisters. I love God and this Gospel. These are the most important things in my life. Everything else is extra.The cake, the flowers, the decorations, the food, the outfits, the pictures, the music, the gifts are just lovely bonuses at the wedding because the temple sealing is the focus. All of these temporal, materialistic things don't matter as much in the eternal scheme of things. By keeping my focus on the temple, my priorities will stay straight and I will find the most happiness in the journey.

I know that marriage won't solve everything. There will still be trials and conflict to get through but at least Jordan and I will finally be together. I won't have to worry about saying goodbye and wondering when I'll see him again because we will be sealed for eternity. Life will seem more possible to endure with my best friend by my side and I can't wait for that pure joy and happiness. Yes, Satan will try his hardest these next 40 days and his efforts certainly won't stop after the wedding. But I have plenty of wonderful people in my life who are willing to help and love me, even when I feel like I don't deserve it.

Even with all the stress and conflict this last week or so, I've learned the importance of keeping an eternal perspective and focusing on what really matters most. I've learned who will always be there for me through thick and thin. And I've learned that God will help those who have righteous desires and who are trying to keep his commandments.

I'm ready to handle whatever comes these next 40 days and prepare myself to be the best wife I can be. It will be hard. But once I'm kneeling across the altar with the love of my  life, I'll know that the ends justify the means and it will all be worth it. April 12th can't come soon enough.

My Daily Battle

Well this week definitely had its challenges. I know that every week has its challenges but this week was different and I'm just gonna cut straight to the point.

Wednesday was terrible.

It felt like everything that could have gone wrong did go wrong.

The day couldn't have gotten worse.

Okay I know that sounds really dramatic and probably over exaggerated but let me explain and then you can decide for yourself.

Wednesday I decided to go take my first nursing test for the semester. So I woke up a little earlier (thankfully I don't have classes on Wednesdays) and did some more studying in the morning. I had an appointment at 11 o'clock with my teacher and a few other girls to practice IV's on each other for the first time. After that I was planning on taking my test, working out at the gym, then going to a work meeting at 3. I felt confident and organized and determined to get everything done.

I got to the school, met up with everyone and we headed over to a private room to start IV's. Well somehow I got assigned to go first and stick my partner. I had only practiced IV's on a mannequin and it was really easy, but I was still a little nervous to do it on a real person. And little did I know that my partner was pretty terrified of needles. She started complaining of feeling dizzy and lightheaded even while I was just setting up the equipment and it only got worse as I started the process. I could tell she was most likely going to pass out pretty soon. Well her veins were a little hard to work with and my teacher was telling me to do things I had never practiced before. And since I was the first person to try I had no examples to learn from. So I got the needle in her but I couldn't get blood flashback which means I had to dig around a little. And that really didn't make my partner feel any better. So she was about to pass out, my teacher was telling me a million different things to do, I was under a ton of pressure and feeling terrible so I just pulled the needle out and bandaged her hand up.

I felt like a failure.

After I finished, everyone else took a turn and got blood on their first try. And my veins were awesome that morning which made it a lot easier for my partner. So yeah, that made me feel even more like a failure. Well I was already feeling terrible and then something happened I never thought would happen to me.

My teacher was talking about documentation and such and so she asked us, "What is another term we could use to describe an obese person's stomach without calling them fat?" We paused for a sec trying to come up with an answer so she said, "Like, how would we describe your stomach Jess?"

I froze. Did she really just say that? Did she just openly compare me to an obese person in front of my peers? I didn't say anything and no one else said anything. So she came up with the answer of "well-rounded." My partner and I awkwardly looked at each other and started saying things like "well we've only been taught to use the term obese so yeah...uhh" and thankfully changed the subject. But at that point I was literally holding back tears. I knew that if I didn't keep it together I would burst out sobbing right there and then.

You know that feeling when you feel like you've already been knocked to the ground and then someone gives you one more hard kick to the stomach? Yeah that's exactly how I felt. My confidence had been completely murdered.

Well the IV's had taken longer than I thought so I headed straight over to the testing center realizing I wouldn't have enough time to work out before my meeting. And that made me upset because apparently it was really obvious now that I needed to work out. Anyway, I took my test, feeling pretty confident about it, only to find out at the end that I got a 73% on it. Granted, there were only 33 questions so the more you missed the faster your grade dropped. But I got a 73%. I got a C on a test. And if you know me then you know that anything lower than a B is pretty much death. That was the lowest grade I had EVER gotten on a test before in my entire school life. So yeah, the day just kept getting better and better.

Well I told myself on the way home that I wasn't going to eat anything for the rest of the day and maybe a few days after that because I obviously didn't need to eat. I went to my work meeting and then came home and did homework for the rest of the day. I couldn't stop thinking about what my teacher said to me. And the more I thought about it the angrier and more upset I got. I hated myself and I had absolutely no confidence or self respect.

It was hard to concentrate on anything because I was sad and hungry. I wouldn't let myself cry because then everyone would know something was wrong and I really didn't want to talk to anyone about it (except of course Jordan and my parents).

Did my teacher know that I had been struggling with my weight and self-esteem for the last 8 years?
Did she know that I couldn't eat ANYTHING without feeling guilty or bad about myself?
Did she know that I only liked wearing sweats and t-shirts because I didn't feel confident enough to wear clothes that might have showed my curves a little?
Did she know that I cried myself to sleep most nights because I was disgusted with myself?
Did she know that I felt hopeless and trapped about trying to lose weight and get in shape?
Did she know that I couldn't even walk through campus or look at Facebook without comparing myself and wishing I looked differently?
Did she know that I hate how my stomach looks and that it's what I'm self-conscious about the most?
Did she know that I have six younger sisters who I have to set an example for and try to stay positive for so they won't grow up messed up like me?
Did she know that I fight this same battle with myself EVERY SINGLE DAY?
Did she even know anything about me?

No. She knew nothing. And that's why she didn't even think before calling me out. That's why her ignorant, inconsiderate, rude, inappropriate comment completely destroyed me. That whole day I kept thinking, "Am I really that fat? Am I actually bigger than I think I am? Do people see something completely different than what I see? Could I really be considered an obese person?"

Some days I do really well. Some days I don't care what people think about me and I actually love myself. But then I think that I shouldn't be allowed to be content with myself because there's so much I need to change and if I'm content then nothing will change. Some days I really believe people when they tell me I'm beautiful and I realize I have nothing to complain about because I'm actually a pretty healthy person. But then the battle begins again and those feelings are gone.

Now I need to explain that I've actually gotten a lot better in the last couple years. When this battle started in middle school (like it does for most people) it was terrible. Just ask my parents. They've been fighting this battle with me and they've seen the destruction. Thinking about what I've put them through makes me cry every time because they don't deserve it. They are the best parents I could ask for and I made raising me probably one of the most difficult things they can think of.

And now that I'm getting married in less than three months the struggle is becoming more real again. Jordan tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how much he loves everything about me and I really believe him. But I still want to be my best self for him and I want to feel confident during our marriage. But with all the stress of nursing school I make excuses and tell myself that I don't have time to exercise and that I can eat whatever I want because I'm under a lot of stress and good food makes me happy. If you know me you know how much I love children and babies. But I'm extremely hesitant to have children because of what it could do to my body. And I know that's extremely selfish but I'm just being honest. If I already look like this without having had any babies then it's only gonna get worse after I have children.

Now after reading all of that you probably think I have some serious mental and emotional and psychological issues. And your'e probably right. But I know I'm not the only who feels or has felt this way before. And maybe someone who has struggled with the same thing can find some comfort in knowing they're not alone either. I really am trying to do better. When I get those negative and damaging thoughts I try to tell Satan to go away because I know those thoughts aren't from God. I'm trying to become stronger in resisting Satan's influence and better in letting Heavenly Father in. I'm trying to believe it when people do compliment me.

I'm trying to love me for me. God doesn't make mistakes. It's not possible for him to make mistakes. Sometimes I tell myself that as the first child in my family and as the test dummy I got all the mistakes and problems but I know that's not true. I am not a mistake. I was sent here for a specific reason. I was given this body for a specific purpose. I am who I am for a reason and I shouldn't question God because He knows everything and He sees the bigger picture. I need to trust Him and my parents and my family and my soon-to-be husband when they try to help.

I am so grateful for this Gospel and for the people in my life. I know they were put in my life for a reason because I would be completely lost without them and without the Gospel. I know that through Christ I can do all things and I will win this battle. I will come out stronger and I will love myself. It will definitely take a lot of prayer and work and faith but it is possible. I won't let someone's comments determine my self-worth. I will let God's love for me determine my self-worth.

I've got a long way to go but I'm getting there. One day at a time.

My 2013 Christmas Vacation

Well, it's been awhile since I actually updated this blog with some of my life stories so I figured now would be a good time to write about my Christmas break.

On Monday, December 23 I took off from Rexburg around 6 in the morning. It was pretty dark and foggy to start out with but once I got through Twin Falls the ride was pretty easy. I listened to a Mary Higgins Clark book on CD, ate licorice and beef jerky, and talked to Jordan and my mom on the phone to keep me awake. But 8 1/2 hours later I finally made it home to Richland! The weather was so nice it didn't feel like winter at all. I even had to change out of my sweatshirt since it was way warmer than Rexburg. Well, I hung out with my sisters for awhile and then picked up my dad and Jenna from work. Of course, when Jenna saw me the first thing she was excited about was having the gray car again but then she was excited to see me too haha. Mom prepared my favorite meal, lasagna, for dinner and then I went to bed pretty early since I was tired from the drive. But all in all, I was just really happy to be home again.

Tuesday (Christmas Eve), we got up and did the usual housework and then ate pizza for lunch while watching the Christmas movie "Jingle All the Way." Then we pretty much played Wii games for the rest of the afternoon. Around 4 we left for the movie theater to watch the second Hunger Games movie "Catching Fire." I have a love/hate relationship with those movies. I can't stand all the violence and government control, but overall I really like the story. And it was fun going to a movie with my family. After the movie we all sat around and sang every Christmas hymn out of the hymn book, singing all the melodies and harmonies as well. It's not too often you find a family of all girls and one guy who can sight-read songs and sing all the parts. But it really brought the spirit into our home and made me love my family even more. Then we prepared for our traditional Christmas Eve activities of playing Guitar Hero and having a slumber party downstairs. Once we finally turned the game off, it took about 30 minutes just to go to bed since one person would say something to make everyone laugh and then another person would say something and it just went on and on.

Christmas morning we all woke up around 8 (our family likes to sleep in) and went upstairs to look at what Santa had given us. After going through our stockings we finished preparing our traditional huge Christmas breakfast. Mom and Dad invited Dad's previous boss over for breakfast since she's a single lady who would have been alone. It was nice having her over to celebrate. Then around 11 we started opening the rest of the gifts. We always start youngest to oldest and each person takes a turn opening one of their gifts. This process usually takes several hours since there are 10 of us (including grandma) and because we clap and cheer after EVERY SINGLE PRESENT. But hey, that's what makes it fun and it makes Mom and Dad feel good. After the gifts were finally opened we headed over to our favorite Chinese restaurant for lunch (trying to pull a Christmas Story I guess) and then went over to Grandma's house while we waited for Jordan's plane to get in. After some frustrating hours of waiting and suspense, his plane finally got in at 6 and I finally got the best Christmas present of being able to spend the rest of Christmas with him. It was wonderful and the best Christmas by far.

 

The next morning we slept in some, cleaned the house then did some shopping at Wal-Mart. And then we pretty much spent the rest of the day playing Wii games. It was fun just hanging out and relaxing. Friday, Dad signed some of us up to go donate blood. I was a little nervous since I know my veins are small and don't like to cooperate sometimes. But I drank plenty of water and everything went great. My dad, Jenna, Jordan and I all donated and we had a competition of who could donate the fastest. Dad finished in 4 minutes flat, Jenna in 4 minutes 26 seconds, me in 5 minutes and 5 seconds and Jordan in 5 minutes and 30 seconds. We got free t-shirts and free snacks haha. It was a fun bonding moment. Then we did a little shopping at Fred Meyer and went home. That night we decided to do our second annual Fast Food Frenzy (also known as the Hunger Games when we take too long to eat). But it was fun because we went to 11 different fast food restaurants and we pretty much all ended up sharing the food. Such a fun tradition.

 

Saturday was the first day we decided to take engagement pictures. Jenna took us to a spot down by the Yakima river and took some great pictures. It was really cold but still really fun. Then Mom made homemade pizza for dinner (so stinkin' good, I'm pretty sure I ate like 10 pieces) and then Grandma and Grandpa Warren made a surprise trip up to see Alex before she leaves. It was great having everyone together. Then Alex, Jenna, Jordan, Sammie and I all went to Maui's Apple to get some froyo, cause it's hard to resist that.

Sunday was awesome. I went to church with wonderful friends and family, listened to Sammie and Alex speak, sang a beautiful a cappella version of "Beautiful Savior" with all my sisters, and cried when we sang "God be with you til We Meet Again" as the closing hymn. It's so crazy to think that my sister is going on a mission. So crazy. But I'm so proud of her! After church we watched a bunch of home videos and laughed our heads off. Then we had an open house so people could come say goodbye to Alex before she left. We had a pretty good crowd and had fun talking to family and friends the whole evening. Then we played the board game Jordan bought for our family "Bubble Talk." It's basically like "Apples to Apples" where everyone gets seven different captions and each person has to choose the caption they think fits the picture the best. Then the "judge" decides which caption they like the most. It's a hilarious game and we had a blast.

Monday, Jenna, Jordan and I did some shopping so we could get Jordan something to wear in more engagement pictures. After dropping Jenna off at work, we met my mom and Alex at Costa Vida for lunch. Holy cow I love that place. Then we stopped by to see a lady in my grandma's ward who volunteered to work on my wedding dress. It's amazing how much just a few minor alterations can make the dress fit and look completely different. I'm so excited to wear it in April! Later that evening we all went to the trampoline place Get Air in Kennewick for Family Home Evening and had a ton of fun. I wasn't able to participate due to some frustrating physical limitations, but it was still fun to watch and take pictures. Then we came home and watched the first part of the last Harry Potter movie since Jordan hadn't seen them. 'Twas a fun evening.

 

Tuesday (New Year's Eve) had its ups and downs but overall it was really good. We went out to take more engagement pictures as well as Alex's missionary pictures. Then Jordan and I decided to go register for the wedding at Target. That was going well until my hip started acting up and we had to leave early cause I couldn't walk around the store anymore. But we came home to a plethora of delicious traditional snack foods like mozzarella sticks, taquitos, mini tacos, cheese dip, egg rolls and a bunch of other tasty treats. We watched Million Dollar Duck, started a 1000 piece puzzle and sang karaoke. Then Bri and her boyfriend Channing showed up. After sitting around and talking for awhile, we decided to go to the YSA New Year's Eve dance just for fun. And let me tell ya, it was so stereotypically accurate that the movie "Single's Ward" could have been filmed there haha. But we had fun dancing and people watching. Jordan and I made it home a little before midnight so we could celebrate with my family. I ended 2013 and started 2014 with the love of my life and couldn't have asked for a better evening. I love Jordan and I love my family!

Wednesday we all slept in until like 11, did some typical housework, took some more engagement photos and then took my youngest four sisters out for their Junior Bridesmaid party! We went out to Red Robin for dinner and ate until we were stuffed with bottomless fries. Then we tried going shopping but all of the stores were closed early. So we came home and watched the second Pirates of the Caribbean movie. When that movie was over we went to Dairy Queen to redeem our free blizzard coupons. Then we came home and watched the second part of the last Harry Potter movies. I love that series. I could watch those movies any day.

 Thursday we decided to try shopping again, but Jordan and I had to leave the stores early so we could go babysit. That was really fun because we watched "Lizards of Boz" (or the Wizard of Oz in the words of the 2 year old) and made homemade pizza for the kids. Before we ate dinner, Jane said she wanted to say the prayer, but then Kate decided she wanted to pray too and started repeating everything Jane said. And then the cutest thing happened. Jane blessed the food and said thank you for it, but then suddenly she said, "And please help Kate understand that she's not saying the prayer right now..." Jordan and I busted up laughing it was so cute. Needless to say we had a great time babysitting. Then we came home and hung out, worked on the puzzle, danced, ran to Fred Meyer to buy drinks and then watched the movie "Red." Such a fun day.

Friday started out like any other day with housework and Spudnuts for breakfast haha. Then Jenna, Jordan and I went to Shang Hai for lunch and for Jenna's payment as our photographer. That was fun and entertaining and filling for sure. When we got home, we cleaned the car some, played more Wii games and then went to dinner with Mom, Dad and Grandma at Outback Steakhouse. It was nice being able to eat good food and share good conversation with some great people. After dinner the whole family went to a hockey game since it was one of our Christmas gifts. That was awesome going crazy with the family and cheering on the local hockey team. We won 5-1 but Jordan and I'm sure everyone else were really hoping to see a good fight but the refs kept breaking the players up haha. Oh well it was still fun. Then we came home and finally finished the puzzle! Dad gave me a father's blessing before I left for school again which got me all emotional on my last night at home. I just love my family too much and it's hard saying goodbye after being with them for two weeks. Goodbyes never get easier.

Well, Jordan and I finally took off to Utah around 10:30 on Saturday morning. It was an emotional morning saying goodbye to everyone, especially Alex who leaves for Mexico City on Wednesday. I'm so extremely proud of her and can't wait to hear all her awesome stories. Who knows, I might even run into her in Salt Lake City haha. Anyway, I drove the first half of the car trip, we ate lunch in Boise and then Jordan drove the last half into Utah. We got home a little before nine and then went over to his best friend's house to watch a Netflix movie. I missed Utah and it was nice to be back.

And now here I am, getting ready to head back to Rexburg tomorrow to begin my second semester of the nursing program. I'm a little nervous but I know everything will be fine as long as I put my trust in God and stay close to the Spirit. Plus, Jordan and I have been engaged for three months today which means only three more months left to the wedding. We're in the double digits now! So excited for everything this new year will bring. I'm so grateful for these last two weeks I had to spend with my family and make eternal memories. Families are forever!